


Versace on the floor

by Saphirsilber



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Drug Use, Kinda, M/M, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-18
Updated: 2021-01-18
Packaged: 2021-03-05 04:54:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 23,570
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25248766
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Saphirsilber/pseuds/Saphirsilber
Summary: „How much longer do you want to carry on like this?“, Jaehyun whispers against his hair while soothingly stroking Donghyuck‘s back. „This reckless lifestyle isn’t good for you“.Donghyuck presses his lips together. Here we go again. „You mean it’s not good for the family image“, he says.„I mean it’s not good for you“, Jaehyun insists.„I’m having fun“, Donghyuck mutters against his chest. „Maybe you should try it one day too“.„How did you even got home yesterday?“, he asks and huh, that’s new to Donghyuck.„I thought you took me home?“„I didn’t. I was searching for you but I couldn’t find you. Tried calling you but you wouldn’t pick up. I found you peacefully sleeping in your bed when I got home, so…“
Relationships: Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Mark Lee
Comments: 5
Kudos: 74





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Whee, I‘m back from my trip and it was awesome! I got inspired for this story on my way home and figured I would give it a shot. I know that I still have two stories unfinished but I just really felt like writing some Markhyuck.  
> Before you start reading; This story deals with some pretty heavy topics such as drug abuse, self-harm and self-harming behavior and suicidal thoughts. If you’re mentally in a place where you can’t deal with those issues, please do not read this story and remember that there is always help out there. If you or someone you know has to deal with addiction, autoagressive behavior and/or suicidal thoughts please don’t hesitate to reach out and search for a helping hand.  
> As always, stay safe and have a great day!  
> ~Saphirsilber ♥️
> 
> International suicide hotlines: https://www.iasp.info/resources/Crisis_Centres/  
> Drug abuse hotline:  
> https://drugabuse.com/addiction/drug-abuse-hotlines/  
> Self-harm crisis textline:  
> https://www.crisistextline.org/topics/self-harm/#what-is-self-harm-1

Donghyuck groans and shoves his face deeper into the pile of the satin pillows. There is the familiar dull ache thumping in his head that tells him he partied too hard yesterday. Again. 

Another knock cuts through the silence in his room and Donghyuck rolls over until he’s laying on his back, blurry vision taking in the ceiling. 

„Fuck“, Donghyuck mutters and his voice is rough. His throat is weirdly dry as well, as if he smoked too much weed yesterday and maybe he did. To be honest, Donghyuck doesn’t really have any memory of yesterday’s party. 

„Donghyuck?“, the voice behind the door asks and knocks again. 

A sound leaves Donghyuck, something between a groan and a whine. It’s still way too early for any visitors, he can tell by the few golden rays of sunshine that fall through the slits in his jalousies. 

The door opens and Donghyuck throws one of his pillows over his eyes in response to the way too bright light that’s flooding into his room. He got fucked up yesterday, that’s for sure. 

Heavy footsteps are making their way over the polished floor to Donghyuck‘s bed. It’s italian leather against dark wood until they stop, right in front of him and then his mattress bends down under the weight of another body. A hand lands on Donghyuck’s waist, gently caressing the exposed skin there but Donghyuck is having none of it. He weakly slaps the hand away. A sigh is heard but before the other one can speak up, Donghyuck breaks the silence. 

„The fuck are you doing here?“, he asks and despite his harsh words a warm feeling is spreading through his poor, spent body. 

„I arrived yesterday, Hyuck“, Jaehyun sighs again. „We ate dinner together before we went to the gala, remember?“

Truthfully, Donghyuck doesn’t remember anything that happened after 3pm but who can blame him? His lunch consisted of a Caesar salad and a huge bottle of Merlot and if he remembers correctly, there was cocaine involved as well. No wonder he’s a mess today. Nonetheless, Donghyuck hums in agreement, it‘s just easier that way. 

„What do you want“, he carefully lowers the pillow a bit to steal a glance at his brother. Donghyuck doesn‘t need memories of the evening prior to know that Jaehyun probably drank nothing more than a glass of wine and maybe two glasses of champagne the entire night. 

He’s sitting on the edge of his bed, all perfectly styled hair and fitted armani suit, all expensive cologne and shining rolex. 

„Breakfast is ready and we‘re all waiting for you“, Jaehyun explains and his eyebrows are furrowed. Donghyuck hates this look on his face because he already knows what’s going to follow. Some kind of lecture about his behavior, something along the lines of „how long do you want to carry on like that?“

Donghyuck groans again. „Since when are we all having breakfast together?“, he asks and doesn’t even try to get up. Donghyuck still feels nauseous and on the verge of throwing up. „And since when is mom out of bed before 5pm?“

„Dad and I are leaving before lunch and we figured it would be nice to have at least one meal together. As a family“. 

Donghyuck snorts and instantly regrets it because the dull pain in his head loudly protests. He doesn’t even want to have breakfast, especially not with his family. Donghyuck would rather jump out of a driving car on a highway. 

„Tell them I‘m still asleep“, he says. It’s been a rough night, Donghyuck doesn’t need a rough morning on top of that. 

„Dad insists“, is Jaehyun‘s reply. For Jaehyun it’s as simple as that. If their father insists, then there’s nothing else to do than to compile. That’s probably why Jaehyun is the prestige son, he’s the perfect child, the perfect heir to their family’s company. 

Jaehyun always had the best grades, he never drank too much, he never crashed the ferrari into the garage door, he never threw up all over the flower arrangement on Easter. The funny thing is, for the longest time, Donghyuck had been the good kid, until he realized that being the good kid is boring. Being a family disappointment is at least fun. 

Not right now though, right now Donghyuck feels like dying. 

„I don’t give a shit what dad wants“, he says and digs himself deeper into the pile of pillows and blankets. 

For a moment, it’s quiet and Donghyuck almost thinks that Jaehyun left the room. He’s about to doze off again to wake up when his hangover is a bit more cured but of course Jaehyun wouldn’t give up that easily. 

„Hyuck, come on“, he says with his softest voice. „Dad is worried about you too, you know“. 

Donghyuck almost bitterly chuckles. Almost. „If dad is so worried about me he would come up here himself to check on me instead of sending his sidekick“. 

He knows it’s not fair to Jaehyun to let out all his anger and frustration on him but at this point, he should be used to it. Jaehyun is the only one who checks in on Donghyuck from time to time which also means he gets to be Donghyuck‘s emotional garbage can. Yay, happy family!

„Why can‘t you tell us what’s wrong, Hyuck?“, Jaehyun asks and oh great, they’re going  _ there _ again. 

Donghyuck huffs. There’s nothing wrong with him, after all, he has everything, including a big house almost for himself since his father and Jaehyun stay in the city to take care of the company most of the time and his mother rarely ever leaves her room. Donghyuck is  _ fine _ on his own, thank you very much. 

Jaehyun sighs again and if Donghyuck got a dollar for every time he does, he would be richer than their entire family together. „I miss you“, Jaehyun silently admits and upon hearing those words, Donghyuck peaks up from under his pillowfort. 

„Why the fuck do you miss me?“, he asks but he doesn’t sound as unbothered as he would like to. Jaehyun misses him, that’s new. After all, Jaehyun has everything he could wish for as well, maybe even more, as if having Donghyuck in his life would make that much of a difference. 

Jaehyun rolls his eyes. „Maybe because I rarely ever see you, silly“, he says and despite his teasing tone, Donghyuck can see that there’s something more behind his eyes. 

„I miss you too“, Donghyuck admits and sits up to make grabby hands at Jaehyun. A small, dimpled smile appears on his brother‘s face right before he closes his arms around Donghyuck‘s smaller body. 

Donghyuck allows himself to melt into the hug. Jaehyun smells like clean cotton and cologne, a little bit like coffee but most importantly like home. Donghyuck wonders when the last time was that he received a hug. Must have been a long time ago. 

„How much longer do you want to carry on like this?“, Jaehyun whispers against his hair while soothingly stroking Donghyuck‘s back. „This reckless lifestyle isn’t good for you“.

Donghyuck presses his lips together. Here we go again. „You mean it’s not good for the family image“, he says. 

„I mean it’s not good for you“, Jaehyun insists. 

„I’m having fun“, Donghyuck mutters against his chest. „Maybe you should try it one day too“.

„How did you even got home yesterday?“, he asks and huh, that’s new to Donghyuck. 

„I thought you took me home?“

„I didn’t. I was searching for you but I couldn’t find you. Tried calling you but you wouldn’t pick up. I found you peacefully sleeping in your bed when I got home, so…“

Donghyuck shrugs. „Seems like I left early then“. 

Jaehyun sighs once more. „Are you coming downstairs with me? What does breakfast sound like?“

Breakfast sounds like a bad idea to Donghyuck but Jaehyun is going to leave soon and he wants to spend some more time with his brother. 

„Fine“, he pulls back and groggily searches for his phone to check the time. There are four new messages. 

[unknown number]: Hope you don’t mind me taking off your pants but figured it would be uncomfortable to sleep in them. 

[unknown number]: I didn’t even look, I swear. 

[unknown number]: I‘m not a pervert, please don’t call the police. 

[unknown number]: It’s Mark by the way. Sleep well. 

Seems like the mystery of how he got home just got solved. 

⚜️

Jaehyun leaves half an hour after breakfast ends with Donghyuck‘s father and Donghyuck shouting at each other and his mother silently crying in the corner. The noise is not good for Donghyuck‘s hungover body and all the fighting drains him. He's glad when he’s back in his room, waiting for his father to finally return to the capital. 

Donghyuck watches from his window how his brother takes a seat in the black limousine that will take him away from Donghyuck once again. When the car disappears, Donghyuck allows himself to sigh. 

Every family reunion goes a little bit like this nowadays. What a pity. 

Since Donghyuck knows that he won’t be able to fall asleep, he decides to take a hot bath with some of the french lavender oil he loves so much, maybe that will help him relax and cure his hangover a bit. 

The air in his bathroom is moist and the candles Donghyuck lit smell like vanilla. When he looks into the mirror, he doesn’t recognize the boy staring back at him. There are still the traces of last night visible on his skin. Smudged makeup, messy hair, dark circles under his eyes. Where did the glowing golden boy from yesterday go? 

„Stop being such a dramatic bitch“, Donghyuck tells the mirror or more himself. He doesn’t like being sad but thankfully, he doesn’t have to be. In a swift motion, he opens his cabinet to pull out one of the small orange boxes. Their contents are his mother’s antidepressants that she never takes anyways and Donghyuck pops three of the happy-pills into his mouth. There is no need to be sad today. 

He puts the medicines back into their rightful place and turns around to step into the bath. 

The warm water feels good against his skin and Donghyuck sinks deeper into the scented bath. This is better, he thinks. It’s like all the dirt of the night and the ugly morning is getting washed off his skin. 

Automatically, his hands come up to fiddle with the golden necklace around his neck, the only accessory Donghyuck never takes off. 

Only that his cold fingertips meet nothing but soft skin. 

Donghyuck shoots up, almost slipping on the wet ground. It can’t be, Donghyuck never took off the necklace, the last time he remembers was when he got an X-ray because of his ankle. He stumbles over to the mirror. Nothing, where the small golden chain should be are water drops running down his bare skin.

He runs his hand through the wet strands of his hair.  _ Calm down, _ he thinks. The necklace has to be somewhere, it’s not that it could vanish just like that without leaving any trace. 

„Fuck“, Donghyuck feels nauseous and this time it’s not because of the hangover. There is no way he voluntarily took it off. Something must have happened yesterday and he can’t even remember it. 

The necklace is not just some piece of jewelry he could replace without any trouble, it’s his grandmother‘s or it was his grandmother‘s until she gave it to him, just two weeks before the cancer killed her. It’s arguably the only thing Donghyuck owns, that means something to him because his grandmother was the only person who ever made the effort to understand his struggles. It’s the last gift he received from her and on top of that, it’s a family heirloom; before it was his grandmother’s it used to be his great grandmother‘s and before that his great great grandmother’s. His grandmother used to wear it every day until she gave it to Donghyuck, he remembers that he always used to play with it whenever he sat on his grandmother’s lap when he was a kid. 

And now it’s gone. 

In his panic, he opens every drawer, every jewel box he owns, he searches on his bed, his nightstand, even underneath the bed but still, nothing.

„Fuck fuck fuck“, Donghyuck rubs his face, trying to remember if it was still there when him and Jaehyun had dinner together. He doesn’t know, the majority of yesterday is just a big black hole in his memory. 

The photos! They attended one of those charity events so surely, there must be photos uploaded somewhere, praising Donghyuck and his family how they’re such good people. He can’t stand those photos usually but today he could thank their marketing team on his knees that they exist. 

He grabs his phone from where it‘s laying on the ground due to Donghyuck‘s aggressive searching and quickly googles for their website. 

Here they are, right on top. Pictures of Donghyuck and Jaehyun and their parents, shaking hands and smiling and drinking champagne. Awesome. 

He zooms in on one of the pictures that show him talking to some of the students his parents support in their sponsorship program and a sigh of relief leaves his lips. The necklace is still there. But when did he lose it?

Later that night maybe? On the way home? Oh god, Mark!

Donghyuck can‘t fucking believe it, from all the things in their house Mark decided to steal his necklace! There are countless items that are worth more but of course,  _ of fucking course _ this son of a bitch had to take his necklace. 

At least he has his number. 

[Me]: Can we meet?

The answer comes almost instantly. 

[Mark]: You’re awake!

[Mark]: I‘m in class right now but I’m free this evening. 

[Mark]: Is everything alright?

Donghyuck snorts. Nothing is alright and this motherfucker knows it, after all he’s the one who took his necklace in the first place. 

[Mark]: Where do you want to meet?

Is Mark on fucking cocaine or what? No one should have this much energy that early in the morning. 

[Mark]: Do you know the chinese place across from campus?

[Me]: Send me an address and a time and I’ll be there. 

Now all Donghyuck has to do is wait for the evening. 

⚜️

Donghyuck feels weirdly out of place in the tiny restaurant. Everything around him is cheap and dirty and the people around him are giving him strange looks. A part of him can understand why. Donghyuck doesn‘t fit in with his Gucci belt and the Louis Vuitton purse next to him on the cramped bench, with his burberry coat and the fancy makeup. 

But Donghyuck is used to get stares wherever he goes either because of his family name or because of his appearance so this is nothing new and just rolls his eyes at them. He checks his phone again, it’s already 7:35pm, Mark is five minutes late. 

Donghyuck just hopes Mark is not one of those dangerous gangsters. 

He unlocks his phone, ready to ask Mark where the fuck he is when a small voice speaks up. 

„Sorry, I‘m late, I spilled coffee all over myself in the library and I had to clean up the mess“, the voice belongs to a friendly looking guy. He’s wearing a washed out university sweater over simple black jeans and round glasses and he’s smiling. Donghyuck figures that this must be Mark. He doesn’t look dangerous at all, maybe Donghyuck could even take him down in a fight. 

„You’re Mark?“, he asks, just to make sure. 

The smile drops a bit. „Yeah uhm- I was- I mean you’re Haechan, right?“

Donghyuck has to suppress a laugh. Haechan? That’s interesting, Haechan used to be his alter ego when him and Jaehyun were playing as kids. Apparently that’s the name he gave Mark yesterday, so why not stick with it now? It could be easier if Mark doesn’t know his real name. 

„I’m Haechan“, he confirms and gestures towards the chair across the table.

The smile is back on Mark‘s face as he takes a seat. „Did you order yet? I‘m starving and the hotpot is like, really good“, he says and opens the menu, pushing his glasses a bit up. 

If Donghyuck wasn’t so sure that Mark stole his necklace he would think he’s cute. Unfortunately, Mark is a nasty little thief and Donghyuck is ready to fight him if that means he’s going to get his necklace back. 

„I haven’t yet and to be honest, I want to make this as short as possible“, Donghyuck says and reaches for his bag. 

„Oh?“, Mark looks surprised and slowly lowers the menu to look at Donghyuck with big brown eyes. 

„I know you took my necklace last night so here are 12,000$, believe me it’s way more than the necklace is actually worth. Just give it back to me and take the money“, he says and pushes the bag over the table. 

Mark looks at him with now even bigger eyes and his mouth slowly falling open. 

„Your necklace?“, he repeats and he looks like Donghyuck just told him the earth is flat and ruled by rainbow-farting unicorns. 

„Look, if you need more than that just say the word, okay. The necklace doesn’t have any significant actual worth but it’s very dear to me and I really, really want to get it back“. 

„I-what?“, Mark stammers and puts his hands up in a defensive gesture. „Dude, I swear I don‘t have a clue what you‘re talking about, the only thing I took yesterday was your trousers- I mean not  _ actually _ took them, that would be weird, I put them on your armchair of course“. 

Donghyuck groans and throws his head back. „Can we please stop with those stupid games? Just tell me what you want, okay? The necklace is the last gift I got from my grandma and it’s everything that’s still left. I just-“, Donghyuck interrupts himself searching with his hand where he knows the necklace should be hanging around his neck but of course, it’s not there. „I need it. I really need it and I‘m willing to give you literally everything for it“. 

„Oh man“, Mark awkwardly rubs his neck and he looks very uncomfortable. „I‘m so sorry but I don’t have your necklace. If I did, I would give it back to you, I swear, but I can’t“. 

„Are you sure?“, Donghyuck ask. „Maybe you didn’t mean to take it but then it was just there or maybe you found it somewhere and just took it with you, I don’t know“. 

„What? No, I swear I haven’t seen it. I don’t even know what it looks like, all I did was making sure you got home safely“

„You really don‘t have it, huh“, Donghyuck slowly leans back. Fuck, he can’t believe he actually lost the necklace. Fuck. 

„I love my grandmother a lot and I‘m thankful for her every day. Believe me, if I had it, I would have already given it back“. 

Right, so the necklace is gone. Shit, Donghyuck feels like crying. There are tears welling up inside of him, angry tears because he was too blacked out to realize he lost the necklace and because he’s about to embarrass himself in front of Mark and this whole dirty restaurant. Fucking hell. 

He angrily wipes off the tears with his sleeve. „Sorry“, he mutters. Mark must be cringing so hard right now. 

„Whoa there“, Marks awkwardly reaches over the table to pat his shoulder. „I’m really sorry man. This necklace must have meant the world to you“. 

„It did“, Donghyuck sniffles. „It was like the last reminder that no matter what, my grandma was still by my side, reminding me that I’m loved and that she believed in me“. 

Oh god, Donghyuck is full on crying now in the middle of a restaurant. Oh god, Donghyuck can’t believe he just told Mark, a complete stranger, about his most intimate feelings. Oh god, Donghyuck is such a mess. 

„Sorry“, he hiccups. „I’m really sorry, I didn’t mean to- yeah“. 

„It’s okay dude“, Mark says. „I can relate, I lost my favorite plushie when I was eleven and that was probably one of the worst days in my life“. 

Wow, Donghyuck can’t believe it. Did Mark really just compare his eleven years old self to Donghyuck?

Back in the days their ridiculously large backyard was still filled with Donghyuck‘s and Jaehyun‘s laughing and bickering. Their flower beds were never as perfect as now because Donghyuck and Jaehyun would play soccer on their neatly cut grass and hide and seek behind the precisely cut bushes and they would go on adventures in their well-kept rose garden. Whenever they went on a treasure hunt, Donghyuck wasn’t Donghyuck anymore, Donghyuck was Haechan who was a braver, smarter, better version of himself. 

Haechan was never scared, Haechan never gave up, Haechan always had an answer for every question, a solution for every problem. 

It’s kinda funny that now Haechan is Donghyuck at his lowest. 

Haechan got shitfaced and lost his grandmother’s necklace, Haechan cried over this necklace in a public restaurant, Haechan received an (awkward) hug from a complete stranger that he accused of stealing said necklace. Donghyuck would laugh if he wasn’t still crying into Mark’s shoulder. 

Mark is kind of a good hugger. It’s different from the hug he got this morning from Jaehyun, it lacks the familiarity, the luxurious smell, the strength of his brother‘s broad shoulders. But it’s still nice, Mark is a bit taller than Donghyuck so it’s the perfect height to bury his face in his shoulder. The hoodie is surprisingly soft and Mark still smells good, like old books and coffee and apple shampoo. 

„Oh man“, Mark carefully pats Donghyuck‘s back and it makes him only cry harder. Why does Mark have to be such a nice guy? If he was a little meaner, then Donghyuck would be able to get angry and then he wouldn’t have to cry right now. But Mark is so nice, so unbelievably nice to a complete stranger and Donghyuck doesn’t understand why. What did he do to deserve such a nice treatment, after all it was him who got too wasted yesterday to find his way back home and it was Mark who made sure he would arrive safely. 

Two hugs in one day, that’s something Donghyuck could get used to. 

„You know what?“, Mark pulls back a little. „How about the two of us go back to the location and search for your necklace? Maybe you just lost it when you fell into the buffet“. 

Donghyuck fell into the buffet? Well, that explains the big bruise on his hip, he supposes. 

Because he’s still crying, god dammit, he can only shyly nod. 

„Alright“, Marks pulls back from the hug and reaches for his jacket. Donghyuck pulls a face when he sees the wet spot on Mark’s hoodie where he cried for about five minutes but Mark doesn’t seem to mind. 

„But what about dinner“, Donghyuck sniffles. „I thought you were starving“. 

Mark makes a dismissive gesture and sends him a reassuring smile. „It’s fine, I can eat at home, don’t worry. Your necklace is more important right now“, he says and wow, why would Mark give up dinner just to search his necklace? Donghyuck can‘t understand but it doesn’t matter. He’s just unbelievably grateful that Mark is willing to go with him. 

„Okay“, Donghyuck nods. „My driver is waiting outside, so…“, he gestures behind him, even though behind him is nothing but the small, dirty kitchen of the restaurant. 

„Your driver, right, okay, cool“, Mark awkwardly steps back. „Lead the way I guess“. 

So Donghyuck does. 

⚜️

They’ve been searching for an hour and a half already and there’s still no trace of Donghyuck’s necklace but at least, he got to know Mark a little bit. He’s a  literature major at university, he’s a year older than Donghyuck and he’s apparently in one of the sponsorship programs of his parents. Of course, Donghyuck doesn’t mention that they’re his parents but he has a feeling that Mark already knows. Despite that, Mark doesn’t treat him any differently, which is nice. Usually, when people find out about his family, they become weird. 

Mark is just weird because he’s a weird guy and that’s really adorable, if Donghyuck is honest with himself. 

They’re outside now and Donghyuck looks up at the darkening sky. It’s a mix of grey and black and even more grey. Soon, night will come and with it probably the forecasted rainstorm. 

„We should head home“, Donghyuck says, his eyes still at the sky. 

„But we still haven’t searched the garden“

„Doesn’t matter“, Donghyuck tries to shrug nonchalantly but it looks probably more like his muscles are spasming. „We’re not going to find anything in the darkness and besides that, it’s going to rain soon“. 

Mark sighs. „You’re probably right“. 

„I know“, Donghyuck forces a smile. He’s good at that, he smiles for pictures and for the publicity and for his father’s business partners and usually, they all buy it but today something feels off. It feels like Mark can look right through it. 

Donghyuck turns back, mainly to avoid Mark’s knowing gaze. „Do you need a ride home?“

„Nah, I‘m fine“, Mark answers. „I‘ll just take the bus“. 

Donghyuck nods stiffly. What’s with him today? 

„See you Haechan“, Marks waves as he gets into the car. 

„Yeah“, Donghyuck replies. He doesn’t think he’s going to see Mark or his necklace ever again. 

When he slams shut the door, the first raindrops hit the ground. 

⚜️

Donghyuck is buried underneath his blanket when there’s a soft knock on his door and Donghyuck thinks that he has definitely had enough interactions with other people for one day. 

„What?“, he barks and hopes the person doesn’t enter. He doesn’t have the nerve to deal with his mother now. 

His hopes get destroyed when his door opens and the slim frame of his mother floats in. One look at her tells him that she’s in this weird headspace again. 

„Donghyuck dear“, she says, „there’s a friend at the door for you“. 

Donghyuck furrows his eyebrows. He doesn’t have any friends, at least none that would visit him at ass o‘clock. Maybe this is just one of his mother’s hallucinations, she tends to get them whenever she has had too much of whatever substance her psychiatrist prescribed to her. 

„What friend?“, Donghyuck rolls his eyes. 

„Your friend“, is his mother‘s very helpful answers and Donghyuck groans internally. He pushes himself up and out of bed to go to the front door and check. 

He already knows that nobody is going to be there but for the sake of his mother and his own sleep, he’s going to do her a favor and play along for a bit. 

„Do you want me to cut the two of you some apples? You’re going to be hungry if you play all day and the apple tree is carrying so many this year“, his mother says. 

The apple tree doesn’t exist anymore, a storm four years ago destroyed it and even before that it never carried more than ten apples anyways. 

„Sure“, Donghyuck mutters and pushes past her. „That would be lovely“.

A cold breeze makes him shiver as he’s making his way downstairs, his mother must have left the door open. He can already hear the rain hitting the asphalt and internally just thanks a higher force that his mother didn’t decide to take a walk tonight.

When he’s turning around the last corner, a lightning strikes and lits up their entire foyer and-

A figure is standing in the doorway. A small, shivering, wet figure and it takes Donghyuck a second to realize that it’s Mark. 

„What the fuck, Mark“, with tree large steps, Donghyuck crosses the foyer. „What are you doing here?“

Mark sends him another of his awkward smiles. „Hey Haechan“, he says and waves shyly. 

„Don’t just stand there in the rain“, Donghyuk grabs the hem of his hoodie and pulls him into the house before he slams the door shut. 

Mark stumbles a bit, and pulls a face. „I‘m going to get everything wet“, he protests. 

„Don‘t be ridiculous“, Donghyuck rolls his eyes. Mark looks completely drenched, his hair is sticking to his forehead and his glasses are fogging up in the heat of the mansion. 

For a moment, Donghyuck just stares at Mark while Mark looks uncomfortably at the growing puddle at his shoes. 

„Would you like to have some cocoa?“, his mother’s voice almost startles him. She’s carrying a tray with about fifteen empty cups, she’s only wearing her thin nightgown and suddenly Donghyuck is very embarrassed because Mark is here and he shouldn’t see her like that. 

„Not now mum“, he says and gently takes her arm to guide her back to her room. 

„Oh, I didn’t mean to interrupt“, she smiles and then turns back to Mark. „Are you going to stay for lunch, dear?“

„He isn’t“, Donghyuck answers before Mark can even do so much as open his mouth. „Why don’t you go back to your room, mum?“

„Of course“, she turns around and wanders off into the vague direction of their kitchen. Donghyuck doesn‘t even want to know what she’s going to do next. 

„Sorry“, he mutters and avoids Mark’s gaze. Usually, Donghyuck just deals with his mother’s psychotic episodes without much of a thought but now Mark is here, Mark had witnessed a slip of the mask of the perfect family. 

„Is everything alright?“, Mark asks, concern obvious on his face and Donghyuck gets it, he really does. There was this woman who Mark only knows from big events like the charity gala, the woman who usually is the incarnation of a perfect wife and a loving mother and now Mark has witnessed this same woman going a little bit insane. 

This might be normal for Donghyuck but it isn’t for Mark and he doesn’t want to talk about it. 

„Yeah“, Donghyuck forces another smile and thankfully, Mark seems to get the message and nods. „Let’s go upstairs“, he proposes and doesn’t wait for Mark‘s answer. 

„But I‘m super wet!“

„Just get upstairs, Mark. Nobody cares“, he calls out as he’s climbing the stairs. 

Donghyuck knows it’s not the first time that Mark is in his room but due to his blackout it still feels like it. Mark refuses to take a seat and Donghyuck is too tired to argue, so he plops down on his bed. 

„What do you want, Mark?“, he repeats his question from earlier. 

„I’m sorry, I know it’s late and like, it’s probably a bad timing-“, he interrupts himself. „I couldn’t go home without looking in the garden but your necklace wasn’t there“. 

Donghyuck figured as much. He snorts. „Is that why you’re here? To tell me that? Do you think this makes me feel any better?“. 

Donghyuck knows he’s being an asshole again, after all Mark only means it well. But he has had a long day, he’s tired, he’s sad and as nice as Mark’s gesture is, it doesn’t make it any more bearable for him. 

„What? I- no. No, of course not“, Mark stammers. „I was hoping this would“, he pulls his hand out of the pocket in his hoodie. 

It’s his necklace. 

Dirty, wet and torn, but it’s his necklace. 

Within a second, Donghyuck is in front of Mark, snatching his necklace from his hands. Mark stayed behind to search for his necklace for five more hours and then returned it to him, just like that, in the middle of the night. 

„I decided to search along the way we walked yesterday and-“

Donghyuck doesn‘t let him finish, instead he basically throws himself into Mark’s arms.

„Thank you, thank you so much, Mark, you have no idea how much this means to me, seriously“, Donghyuck‘s eyes are wet again but he doesn’t care. He’s got his necklace back!

„I’m sorry it’s torn, must have happened when you fell and I couldn’t catch you in time“, Mark awkwardly pets his back, trying his best not to get Donghyuck completely wet. Not that Donghyuck cares. Donghyuck only cares about the necklace in his hand that Mark, sweet Mark has stayed behind in the rain to return it to him. 

„I can give it to someone to fix it, I‘m just so glad it’s here“, he tells Mark. 

„You should let go of me, you’re going to get super wet as well...“

Donghyuck pulls back. „Seriously Mark, I could kiss you right now“. 

Mark’s eyes go all big and he nervously laughs. „You don’t have to, it’s fine“, he says and rubs his neck, blushing. 

„You should take a shower, you’re all wet“. 

„Oh no, I should-“

„No arguing, Mark. I have a shower and you need one“, he grabs Mark’s hand and pulls him with him into his bathroom. „Here are some clean towels and you can use my stuff, I‘ll go and search for some dry clothes for you“. 

„Alright, thanks“, Mark shuffles around. Donghyuck still can’t believe it that a person would do something like that for him. Mark doesn’t even know him. 

„Are you going to watch?“, Mark jokes even though there is a serious undertone to it. 

„What?!“, Donghyuck turns away from Mark. „No, of course not, what are you thinking?“

He quickly walks out of his bathroom and over to his nightstand, placing the torn necklace carefully on the dark wood. He’s going to get fixed tomorrow first thing, if he’s lucky he’s going to be able to wear it again by tomorrow evening. 

There’s a rustling from the bathroom, followed by some curses and Donghyuck quietly chuckles. 

„You okay in there?“, he calls out, amusement obvious in his voice. 

„I am but how the hell do I turn this thing on?“

„What do you mean how do you turn this thing on? Are you that blind without your glasses?“, Donghyuck snickers. 

„Haha, very funny, just tell me which switch I have to turn to get this thing on“, Mark yells from the other side. 

„Want me to get in there and show you?“, Donghyuck teases, one hand pressed against the door. 

„What? No!“

„Just turn on any setting, the lowest handle is for the temperature“, he explains. 

„Lowest handle for the temperature, got it“.

There’s a brief pause before Donghyuk hears water followed by a shriek. 

„What is this, there’s water coming from your wall!“

„Those are massage jets you uncultured dork“, Donghyuck giggles before he makes his way over to his wardrobe. Mark is about his size, right? Maybe a bit taller, so perhaps Jaehyun‘s stuff is going to fit him better. Or maybe Donghyuck just wants to see Mark in cozy, oversized clothes, doesn’t matter anyways. 

He quickly crosses the hallway to his brother’s bedroom, deciding on a light grey cashmere sweatshirt that still has the tag in it so Jaehyun surely is not going to miss it. He grabs a pair of the most casual pants he can find as well, Donghyuck knows that his own legs are ridiculously long and that Mark could never fit in his. 

When he comes back into the room, the water has already stopped running and he can hear Mark rummaging in his bathroom. 

„I got you some dry clothes“, Donghyuck calls from behind the closed door with said clothes in his hands. 

A few seconds later Mark appears in the door slit, huddled into one of the large fluffy towels. „You don’t have to give me clothes“, he mutters but Donghyuck shoves the clothes into his arms. 

„And make you wear your drenched clothes again? I don’t think so, Mark. Just take them, it’s nothing special and nobody is going to miss them anyways“, Donghyuck shrugs. 

Mark hesitantly accepts the clothes and disappears into the bathroom again. A few moments later, he returns wearing Jaehyun‘s pants. What he doesn’t wear though, is a shirt. 

„I think it’s a bit too cold to walk around shirtless even though I appreciate the view“, Donghyuck shoots Mark a weird look. It’s not a lie, Mark does look good without a shirt and Donghyuck has to be careful not to drool. 

„I can’t wear that“, Mark offers the shirt to Donghyuck while furiously blushing. 

„Why not? I‘m sure grey fits you perfectly fine“, he furrows his eyebrows. 

„No“, Mark carefully avoids his gaze. „This one has still the tag on it“

„Oh“, Donghyuck gets up from where he was sitting on his bed to pick up some scissors from his desk. „Let me cut it off then“. 

„No I mean-“, Mark interrupts himself to look at Donghyuck. „That’s a cashmere sweater. It costs over 200$!“

„Well… yeah?“, Donghyuck must have missed something because he doesn’t get what Mark‘s problem is. „Cashmere is comfortable?“

„I can’t just take a shirt that costs more than my entire wardrobe“, Mark‘s eyes are as big as plates. 

„Then you’re gonna hate to find out about the price of those pants“, Donghyuck laughs. „Seriously Mark, no one is going to miss these clothes. If you haven’t noticed yet, my family is pretty loaded and it’s the least I can offer in return“. 

Mark's eyes widen even more and he looks down to where his legs disappear into Jaehyun‘s designer pants. For a brief moment, Donghyuck is worried that Mark might rip them off as well but then he sighs and pulls the shirt over his head. 

„Thank you, I‘m going to return them as soon as possible“. 

„Keep them“, Donghyuck shrugs. „They look better on you anyways“. 

Mark laughs, high pitched and embarrassed and Donghyuck would cringe if it wasn’t so cute. 

„Do you want to stay for the night? I‘ll let a guest room get set up for you. It’s already pretty late anyways“, Donghyuck offers. 

„I can’t“, Mark says. „I have an 8am class tomorrow morning“. 

„Let me call you a cab then“, Donghyuck says and searches for his phone. 

„Oh, I can walk“, Mark insists but Donghyuck isn’t having any of this. 

„It’s late and it’s dark and it’s raining. You’re not walking home, Mark“, he pulls his phone out. „I‘ll pay for it“. 

„You don’t have to-“

„Hush, Mark. It’s the least I can do, really“, Donghyuck looks at the necklace on his nightstand. 

Mark sighs, again. „Okay. Thank you Haechan“. 

„You’re welcome“, Donghyuck says and presses the call button. 

It doesn’t take long until a cab arrives and Donghyuck follows Mark until he’s sitting inside of the car, a bundle of cash in his hands that he insisted was too much for the ride. Donghyuck had told him that he didn’t care and that he could tip the driver well if he didn’t want to keep it. 

„Bye Mark“, he says and hugs the latter once more. 

„Bye Haechan“, Mark says before Donghyuck closes the door. 

His gaze follows the lights of the car until it disappears in the darkness. Donghyuck sighs and turns back to the house. He’s got his necklace back, thank God.

And thank Mark. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> „I never had a sleepover“, Donghyuck says out loud and it sounds a lot sadder than in his mind.  
> „Oh“, Mark says.  
> Yeah, Donghyuck thinks. Oh.  
> „That sucks dude“, Mark pulls his legs closer to his upper body. It makes him look smaller than he actually is. Donghyuck thinks it’s cute.  
> „Yeah“, he says because he doesn’t know what else to say.  
> For a moment they’re silent.  
> „Do you wanna have one?“, Mark asks then, out of the blue.  
> „What?“, Donghyuck doesn‘t believe his ears. He’s 20, for fuck‘s sake and not 6! He doesn’t need a sleepover, he was perfectly fine the first 20 years of his life without them.  
> „A sleepover“, Mark explains even though Donghyuck understood that part. He just doesn’t know why Mark offers.  
> „Right now?“, he asks because Mark can’t be serious.  
> „I mean unless you don’t want to“, Mark shrugs and avoids Donghyuck‘s gaze.

Two days later Donghyuck is on his way to pick up his repaired necklace. There is this place next to one if the fancy restaurants Jaehyun and his father usually spend their lunch break in. The jeweler is an old man, he already sold Donghyuck‘s grandmother‘s mother jewelry but most importantly he definitely knows his craftsmanship. 

When Donghyuck steps out of the car, it just happens to start raining again and of course, Donghyuck hasn’t taken a jacket or even an umbrella with him. He curses himself while hurrying across the street. 

It’s no use, when Donghyuck opens the door and the small bell over it jingles softly, he is already dripping on the hardwood floor. 

„Hello Mr. Lee“, the old man behind the counter says. Donghyuck doesn‘t like it when people call him Mr. Lee. Mr. Lee, that’s his father or maybe Jaehyun but not him. 

„Hello Mr. Kim“, he greets his jeweler. „I’m here for my necklace“. 

„Of course you are“, Mr. Kim nods and walks into the backroom, leaving Donghyuck alone in the small shop. 

Donghyuck remembers that his grandmother used to take him here when he was a kid. He used to love all the sparkling pretty jewelry that are displayed underneath large glass cubes. They used to fascinate him. 

And now, now that Donghyuck has seen plenty of jewelry, there is none of their former magic left. It’s just chunks of gold and silver and platin now with pieces of gemstones and crystals inside of them. For Donghyuck they have lost their value. 

There is a sparkling ring in the store window that catches Donghyuck‘s eyes. It’s one with some greek letters engraved in it or some shit, Donghyuck can’t tell. It’s one that Jaehyun would probably wear because it screams „I’m young and hip“ but at the same time „I‘m an intellectual“ and also „I‘m loaded as fuck“. 

„There you go, Mr. Lee“, Mr. Kim reappears behind the counter, in his hands Donghyuck‘s necklace. Just how Donghyuck expected it’s cleaned and repaired, looking like it was never torn. 

„Thanks“, Donghyuck says and takes the necklace from the jeweler’s hands to put it around his neck. That’s better, he thinks. Now Donghyuck is complete again. 

He pays for the necklace and is almost out of the door when his gaze falls on the ring in the window again. 

„You know what“, Donghyuck halts his movements and points at said ring. „Give me this ring as well. I think my brother would love this“. 

If he’s already in the city, he can just as well see if he can catch Jaehyun during his lunch break and surprise him with a small gift. As an apology for the ruined family breakfast maybe or for all the missed calls on his phone or his sweater he gave to Mark. There are a lot of reasons, really. 

So Donghyuck takes the ring as well and hurries towards the restaurant next door. It’s one of those restaurants where you have to make reservations months prior (except if you’re the Lee Enterprises founder’s son of course) and pay other people’s monthly salary for a meal. 

Even with his Gucci sweater and the Boss jeans, Donghyuck is severely underdressed compared to the other people in the establishment. Ironically rich people make Donghyuck want to throw up. He hates it here already and it’s not even been two minutes since he set a foot in the restaurant. 

„Jaehyunnie!“, Donghyuck calls out before one of the waiters even has a chance to approach him. 

„Hyuck“, his brother’s voice is full of surprise and as Donghyuck makes his way over to where he’s sitting he can see that his face matches his surprise as well. It’s pretty funny to see someone as handsome as Jaehyun lose all control over his facial expressions for a moment. 

„Good to see you here“, Donghyuck snickers and then turns around to the man that’s sitting across from Jaehyun. „Dad“, he says and nods. Politely, because they’re in public.

His father presses his lips into a thin line and closes his long fingers a bit tighter around the neck of his wine glass. He is so obviously displeased with Donghyuck‘s presence in this restaurant that Donghyuck feels like laughing into his face. 

Or maybe he doesn’t, maybe he feels more like crying because maybe Donghyuck would like just once to see his father happy about his existence. Donghyuck pushes this thought into the back of his mind. He doesn’t want to be sad. 

„What are you doing here, Donghyuck?“, as always, his father’s voice is cold and disapproving, something Donghyuck should be used to by now. He isn’t, the worlds still cut deep but it’s okay, Donghyuck has learned to deal with the pain so he only smiles. 

„I was doing business nearby anyways and I thought I could surprise my favorite brother“, Donghyuck beams at them. „And my father, I guess“. 

„We’re so happy to see you“, Jaehyun speaks before their father can even open his mouth and maybe it’s for the best. Donghyuck can‘t help but stifle a laugh at his words though. If he were to laugh out loud, he knows that it would sound cold. He’s pretty sure that Jaehyun should only speak for himself because his father’s gaze is, well,  _ unpleased _ . 

„Why don’t you take a seat so that you don‘t have to stand next to us and disturb the other people‘s lunch?“, his father sends him another glare even though his voice is neutral. There are other people around them, after all. It’s always been about other people. 

„Thank you“, Donghyuck lets himself fall onto the chair in between them. He‘s already so done with his dad and all those rich snobs around them. Dealing with sadness is shit. Donghyuck would really like some cocaine right now. „I don’t come empty handed though“, he reaches into his pocket and slams the small box onto the table to distract himself from his inner turmoil. „Merry Christmas!“, he smiles at Jaehyun. It’s April but who cares?

„What’s that?“, Jaehyun sends him a sceptical look over his select Kobe fillet. Presents have long lost their appeal for Donghyuck and Jaehyun. Their parents have used them too often to compensate for their inability to raise them both. 

Donghyuck gets them now. He does the same to Jaehyun today. 

„A proposal“, Donghyuck jokes and their father clears his throat next to him before he takes another sip from his wine glass, undoubtedly filled with some ridiculously expensive red Sauvignon. God, Donghyuck would do a lot right now for some alcohol. 

It’s always been like that. Sit straight. Don’t joke. Be quiet. Don’t laugh. Don’t cry. Put your hands on the table. Don’t drink so much. Don’t be so loud. 

Jaehyun hesitantly takes the box and slides the bow off before opening it. A smile forms on his lips when he takes out the ring, carefully examining it with his more or less professional eyes. 

„Do you like it?“, Donghyuck asks like an excited kid on Christmas Eve. 

„It’s nice“, Jaehyun says and slides it over one of his slender fingers. It’s nice but Jaehyun can see right through it. It’s an apology for not picking up his calls, for not answering his text, for being a bad brother. „Thank you, Hyuckie“. 

There is a sadness in Jaehyun’s eyes that Donghyuck can’t bear to see. He hates that he makes the people around him unhappy, he would much rather see Jaehyun smile. 

„Does that mean you say yes?“, he teases and dramatically wipes a fake tear from his eyes just to be interrupted by his father again. 

„That’s enough, Donghyuck“, he sternly sets his glass on the table. Killjoy, Donghyuck thinks. 

Don’t laugh. Don’t joke. „You have such an irritating laugh“, his father once told him. „It makes other people’s ears hurt“. 

He reaches over the table to grab Jaehyun’s glass. Donghyuck can‘t take this sober anymore. 

„So how is work going?“, he asks and empties Jaehyun‘s glass in three big gulps and waves one of the waiters to fill it up again. His father does have an exquisite taste in wine and if Donghyuck is already here, he is going to let him pay for it. 

His father shoots him a glare. Don’t drink so much. 

„Good“, Jaehyun shrugs. It’s not like Donghyuck actually cares and he knows that, so he cuts it short. „How are you doing? You haven’t answered any of my calls“. 

Jaehyun doesn‘t sound mad, he never does and it’s not an accusation, it never is. Especially not with all those people around them. Instead he’s worried and that’s so much worse if you ask Donghyuck. He doesn’t like to see Jaehyun worried. 

„Ah“, he makes a dismissive gesture. „I‘ve been busy“. 

That’s a lie, he was mainly busy with exploring their medicine shelf again. Donghyuck could have called Jaehyun but then he would have had to deal with his constant whining about Donghyuck‘s drug consumption again. 

„Busy“, his father repeats and if it were just the three of them he would have snorted and then yelled at Donghyuck for being a lazy piece of ass. But they aren’t alone so his voice remains neutral. 

Don’t cry. Sit straight. 

Donghyuck takes another gulp of wine. He already hates this conversation. 

„How is your mother?“, his father asks and turns back to his lunch. 

Donghyuck snorts because he gives a shit about the etiquette and drinks some more wine. How polite of his mother’s husband to ask him. 

Donghyuck thinks back to the woman that wanders around their mansion at night. Confused, lost and slowly going more and more insane. Lonely. 

„Why don’t you ask her?“, he replies as politely as possible. 

A part of him wants to scream at his father right in front of all these people. He wants to tell him that his mother‘s depression is slowly killing her, each day a little more. He wants to scream that he can’t take it anymore, the dull look in her eyes, her cold hands and her pale face. That some days she can’t even recognize him, her own child anymore. 

He doesn’t. He swallows it all down. Be quiet. Don’t talk back. 

Donghyuck knows that his mother’s psychiatrist has sent a report to his father after the last- let‘s call it an  _ incident _ \- two days ago. If he truly cared, he could have called. 

„Incensed, aren’t we?“, his father presses his lips to a fine line. „I suggest you to calm down a bit, Donghyuck“. 

Donghyuck can feel his hand closing tighter around the brim of his (Jaehyun‘s) wine glass. What was he expecting? A joyful hug and a nice conversation over lunch? He should have known better. Donghyuck drowns the rest of the wine. 

„And maybe you should tone it down a bit with the wine. This is a Swanson Cabernet Sauvignon and it’s 200$ per bottle“, he adds with a disparaging look at Donghyuck’s empty glass. 

It’s only fuel to Donghyuck‘s burning anger. With a swift motion, he sets his glass on the table, much harder than necessary while simultaneously pushing his chair aggressively back. 

„Excuse me“, he presses out through gritted teeth. „I need to piss“. 

Fuck the etiquette, really, Donghyuck thinks as he storms off into the vague direction of the toilets. He doesn’t need to pee, he needs to cry. Scream out all his frustrations, all his anger and all his sadness. Donghyuck doesn’t want to be sad anymore. 

There is a small package with white powder on the bottom of his bag and he really, really needs something that will stop him from strangling his father. 

The thing Donghyuck hates the most about bathrooms are the large mirrors in front of the sinks. Who the hell wants to see himself when he’s snorting cocaine from the marble? 

Thankfully, Donghyuck has developed a perfect solution for this problem: He simply closes his eyes when he inhales the cocaine he put in a perfect line on the dark stone before. It burns in his nose, the cocaine crystals scraping on his sensitive mucous membrane. It’s a good kind of pain. There is no need to be sad today. 

Cocaine makes Donghyuck easier to talk to, he has been told so many times. It makes him also hate himself a lot less, sadly he can’t say that about other people. Most importantly though, cocaine makes him less sad. And there is no need to be sad today. 

A knock on the door pulls him out of his thoughts. 

„Hyuck?“, it’s Jaehyun. 

„If you‘re here to suck my dick for the ring I gave you, safe it. I know it’s gonna break your heart but the proposal was fake“, he calls through the closed door. 

There he goes. Cocaine always gets out the asshole in him. It’s easier this way, to keep Jaehyun at a distance. If Donghyuck lets him get too close, Jaehyun is only going to worry even more. 

Donghyuck can hear Jaehyun sigh from the other side. „Can you open the door for me?“, he asks. „Please?“. 

It’s not like Donghyuck has a choice. These bathrooms don’t have any windows so it’s the only way out. Sooner or later, he’s going to have to face his brother. 

He opens the door to let Jaehyun in. For a moment, none of them says a word. The silence is only occasionally interrupted by Donghyuck‘s sniffing because the cocaine tingles in his nose. 

„What’s that?“, Jaehyun asks and points with his chin towards the sink where a Donghyuck‘s transparent plastic bag is still laying around. Oopsie. 

Donghyuck laughs because suddenly, he doesn’t care anymore. Who gives a shit if he snorts cocaine on the toilets of some noble restaurant? Certainly not Donghyuck and Jaehyun should be glad he found a way to ease his sorrows. It’s not like it’s any of his brother‘s business anyways. 

„What do you think it is, huh?“, he takes the remaining cocaine and throws it back into his bag. It’s too late to deny anything now and really, it’s not like Donghyuck takes fucking heroin. 

„Do you take this stuff regularly?“, Jaehyun‘s forehead wrinkles in worry. If he continues like that, he‘s going to have deeply engraved worry wrinkles by the time he is thirty, Donghyuck thinks. Would be a pity, Jaehyun is so handsome. 

„Chill“, Donghyuck rolls his eyes. „I got it under control“. 

„Why do you keep doing this?“, Jaehyun rubs his face. Great, here they go again. On the toilet of a fucking restaurant. There is no need to have this conversation here, no need to have this conversation at all but Donghyuck knows that Jaehyun isn’t going to let this one go so easily. 

„‘Cause someone’s gotta be the black sheep of the family“, he shrugs. What does Jaehyun know about his problems? Jaehyun, perfect Jaehyun doesn‘t get it. 

„Aunt Misun is already the black sheep of the family“, Jaehyun argues. 

Donghyuck smiles at the memory of his aunt climbing drunk onto a table to declare in a fiery speech that capitalism was destroying this world and that black chocolate tastes like squirrel poop before falling into the champagne tower and breaking both her legs. Good times. 

„I like aunt Misun“, he says. In Donghyuck‘s opinion, she’s the most sympathetic family member. 

„That’s not what I meant“, Jaehyun sighs. He looks tired too, Donghyuck thinks. „How long do you want to keep carrying on like that?“, Jaehyun asks and there is so much worry in his eyes that Donghyuck wants to drink another bottle of wine to be able to deal with it. 

„Jeez“, Donghyuck rolls his eyes again. He’s having kind of a deja-vu. „Why can‘t you ever have a little fun“. 

„Let’s just-“, Jaehyun rubs his face some more, as if that would help to ease his worries. „Let’s just finish lunch“. 

„Fine“, Donghyuck mutters and follows Jaehyun back to the table. He wonders how much wine he can drink before his father goes bankrupt because of him. Probably not enough. 

⚜️

They finish lunch without any big problems after that, mostly because Jaehyun takes care of the talking and Donghyuck tries to ignore his father. 

When he’s back inside of the car, his mood has decreased significantly while his alcohol blood level has increased just as much. Strangely, Donghyuck feels almost sober. 

„Just get me home“, Donghyuck huffs as he takes his seat in the back of the car. He doesn’t feel like shopping anymore, which was what he originally planned for the afternoon. Damn it, maybe he should just take another line of cocaine to get himself through the next hour or so. 

Donghyuck thinks about Jaehyun and sighs. He doesn’t want him to worry. He also doesn’t want to be sad. Sadly, there isn’t really a solution for both problems and Donghyuck really shouldn’t take even more cocaine, otherwise his hangover is going to be insane. So he doesn’t. 

Instead he watches the city fly by from his spot next to the window. Raindrops run down the glass like hot tears. If Donghyuck could, he would cry as well. Grey on grey muddles together like wet paint, drawing patterns until it’s only one big grey blob. 

The car slows down when they reach a traffic light and speeds up after they pass it. Over and over and over again. Stop. Go. Stop. Go. Stop. 

Suddenly there is a loud bang, followed by a jolt that sends their entire car half a metre forwards. 

„Are you kidding me?!“, Donghyuck calls out and turns around. There is another car basically hanging in their trunk. Someone really just drove into them and he has the audacity to not even do it with enough speed to fucking kill Donghyuck or at least send him into a coma. 

„Let me check this real quick“, his driver unbuckles his seatbelt. „Are you okay?“. 

„I‘m fine“, Donghyuck throws himself back into the seat and crosses his arms. He probably looks like an angry toddler which is fine with him as well. At least Donghyuck gets to pout for the next five minutes until his driver comes back. 

„Nobody is hurt, thank God“, he says through the open window. „But we need to wait for the police and probably for someone from the insurance companies as well before we can go home“. 

„Fine!“, Donghyuck rolls his eyes and unbuckles his seatbelt as well to get out of the demolished car. „I‘ll just take a cab home“. 

It’s still raining and Donghyuck still doesn’t have a jacket so he flees underneath the next best porch. He doesn’t even know where he is, he’s cold, he’s wet and Donghyuck just wants to go home and take a bath and maybe some of the happy-pills in his bathroom cabinet. 

„Excuse me“, a boy around Donghyuck‘s age interrupts his self-pity. „Are you just going to stand there and block the door or actually go inside?“ 

„Wha-“, Donghyuck begins but the boy‘s patience seems to have come to an end and he simply presses Donghyuck backwards through the door. 

„Thanks“, the boy says and leaves a very confused Donghyuck by the door. 

The building Donghyuck just involuntarily entered appears to be a library. Donghyuck doesn‘t know when he last read a book but it’s warm and dry and a good reference for the cab company he is about to call. That’s enough for him right now. 

It’s not the first time Donghyuck is standing in a library, they have one of those at home as well, even if it’s a lot smaller than this one. It is, however, the first time in years that Donghyuck is standing in a public library and because he is a little drunk and still a little high of cocaine, Donghyuck decides that since he’s already here, a quick tour won’t hurt. Just out of curiosity. 

The shelves around him are high and stuffed- surprise, surprise- with loads of books. At the beginning of each row, a sign tells him about the subject area and the first letters if the last names of the authors that can be found in this particular row. 

Donghyuck passes Psychology A-G, G-L and L-Z, History A-E, E-J, J-S and S-Z, Sport A-K and K-Z before he arrives at Law A-F. There is a break in the shelves for about ten desks, on each one are sitting 1 to 5 people around Donghyuck‘s age or maybe a little older. This is interesting. 

Everyone seems to have an open laptop, some notes and various books in front of them. They are studying, Donghyuck realizes. And the majority of the people inside of this library are probably students. Huh. 

On the back of the study-break, a coffee automat is standing. One black coffee costs 1$. Now that’s what Donghyuck calls cheap. Sadly, the automat only takes bills up to 10$ and the smallest one Donghyuck has left now after paying for his necklace and Jaehyun’s ring is a 200$ bill because Donghyuck doesn’t really believe in the concept of cash or small bills. He tries to fold it, so it can fit into the slot but the automat only spits it back out. 

„Oh come on“, Donghyuck mutters and tries again. He would really like some coffee right now. This is why Jaehyun always got some coins in his wallet, Donghyuck realizes. Of course, Jaehyun has finished his business administration studies and during his time at university, he probably had to deal with those stupid coffee automats all the time. 

In his anger, Donghyuck punches the stupid automat a bit which earns him some judging gazes from the students around him. 

„Excuse me“, Donghyuck approaches a girl that’s sitting next to the automat. „Could you change me 200$? I would like to get a coffee“. 

The girl looks at him as if Donghyuck just asked her to remove his left kidney. 

„Sorry“, she shrugs. „I don’t really have any money with me. But the coffee here tastes pretty bad anyways, so…“

Donghyuck bites his lip to prevent the snort slipping past his mouth. What comes out is a hiss that probably disturbs the student in front of him for the rest of her life but this is just Donghyuck‘s luck, really! 

He looks around for another coffee automat, one that isn’t as picky as the one behind him. But his eyes only find rows upon rows of books so Donghyuck simply decides to go back to the counter to ask for help. 

„Excuse me“, Donghyuck slams his 200$ on the counter in front of the boy who pushed him so rudely through the door. „I would like to have a coffee“. 

The boy squints at him. „Then I would suggest that you go to the Starbucks across the street and buy yourself one“, he says and then turns back to where he had been sorting books. 

Donghyuck can‘t fucking believe it. If he wants to have a disgusting coffee from this library, then he is going to get it, goddammit! 

„Well“, Donghyuck can feel his hands clenching around the edge of the counter. This boy doesn’t know he already had to endure an entire lunch with his father but Donghyuck‘s nerves are already pretty worn off for today. „I would like to get a coffee from this automat. But it seems like it doesn’t take my bill“. 

„Could be because it only takes bills up to 10$“, the boy shrugs. 

„You don’t say!“, this time Donghyuck does snort. Who the fuck does this boy thinks he is? Captain obvious? „I noticed that too, which is why I’m asking you for a coffee and not the automat, genius“. 

„Hang on“, the boy puts his books down and for a brief moment, Donghyuck thinks he has won. But then the boy simply inspects his hands, he makes a real show out of it by turning them upside down and then to the sides. „Nope, I‘m sorry but as it seems I still can‘t summon a coffee with my hands since I last checked this morning“. 

Donghyuck exhales in an attempt to stop himself from climbing the counter and punch the boy. 

„I“, he begins and tries very hard not to scream, „would like to speak to your manager“. 

„Sure, Karen“, he rolls his eyes. „Let me just go get the manager in charge“. 

The boy walks backwards to the other side of the counter before doing a dramatic 360 degree spin to walk back towards Donghyuck. This is unbelievable, really. 

„Hello, I am the manager in charge, how can I help you?“, he asks with a fake smile on his lips. 

Donghyuck can feel his anger boil in his guts. Oh boy, the combination of cocaine and alcohol is not helping his patience, that’s for sure. 

„I would like to have a coffee“, Donghyuck repeats. Two can play this game, Donghyuck is going to get this coffee, no matter what it will cost him. 

„Well, you see good Sir, we have a coffee automat just over there that takes bills up to 10$ or your library card which you can charge here“, the boy explains theatrically. 

„And how do I get a library card?“, Donghyuck can feel his nails digging into the wood of the counter. 

„By being a student of this university“, the boy shoots him a glare. „Which I think you aren’t“. 

„I’m going to buy this library and fire you“, Donghyuck threatens. This is probably the first time anyone has the nerve to talk to him like that. And Donghyuck isn’t having it. 

„I don’t think the university is going to sell their library, so unless you have 10$ or a library card, I don’t think we are able to help you“. 

Donghyuck closes his eyes and takes another deep breath. This isn’t going to get him anywhere, he realizes. He is going to get a library card and then he is going to stuff it up this boy‘s ass. 

Wow, cocaine really  _ does _ make him an asshole. 

„Alright“, he says. „Suit yourself!“ 

He turns around and walks towards the exit. 

„Have a nice day!“, the boy calls out as Donghyuck pushes through the door. It’s still cold outside and the rain has gotten heavier. On the intersection, Donghyuck can still see the demolished cars but at least the police have arrived by now. 

Across the street, the big Starbucks sign is mocking him. 

What a shitty day, Donghyuck thinks. At least he has his necklace back. Instinctively, his hand wanders to his neck to play with the delicate chain. This is fine, everything is fine, Donghyuck is fine. 

Except that he’s still pissed about this stupid coffee automat and the even stupider boy behind the counter. If only he knew a way to get a library card quickly, then his day could be so much better and-

Mark!

Of course, why is it only now that Donghyuck thinks of him? He quickly pulls out his phone and scrolls through his contacts until he finds Mark’s name. When Donghyuck‘s thumb hovers over the green phone next to Mark‘s number, he hesitates. Should he really call Mark just for the sake of an ugly coffee? 

Donghyuck thinks back to the boy‘s sly grin and decides that yes, he absolutely should and presses the call button. It doesn’t take Mark long to pick up. 

„Hello?“

„Hey Mark, this is D-Haechan“, Donghyuck almost uses the wrong name but catches himself in time. „I‘m close to your campus and I was wondering if you could help me with a small problem“. 

„Sure, if I can, like, help? What’s up?“, Mark asks. „Is everything alright?“

Donghyuck giggles at Mark’s obvious concern. 

„Yeah, I‘m alright. I just really wanted to buy some coffee in the library but apparently you need a library card for it“, he explains. 

„The coffee from our library? It’s disgusting though“, Mark considers and Donghyuck can almost see his cute eyes go all big and round. 

„I know, it’s complicated“, Donghyuck thinks back at the stubborn boy behind the counter. „So can I borrow your card?“

„Sure thing“, Mark answers and Donghyuck thinks yes, eat that, library-boy! 

„Where are you now?“, Donghyuck wants to know. He can’t wait for the boy’s face when he gets his coffee. 

„I’m like, this close to the library and-“, Mark interrupts himself. „Whoa, some dude crashed into another dude’s car at the intersection… Damn, looks pretty bad“. 

Yeah, Donghyuck thinks. What a rude thing to do. 

„Where are you? I should be able to see you if you can see the intersection“, Donghyuck gets on his tiptoes to search for Mark‘s lanky frame. 

„I think I’m behind you“, Mark says and Donghyuck jerks around. 

There he is, only about five meters behind him. 

„Bye Haechan“, Mark awkwardly says into the phone before he hangs up. 

„Mark!“, Donghyuck calls out. „So good to see you“. 

„Yeah man, you too“, he leans in an gives Donghyuck a hug, pulling him flush to his chest and Donghyuck is so startled that he can barely hug him back. Mark seems to be into hugs, or maybe that’s just how normal people greet each other, Donghyuck thinks. 

Mark steps back and shoves his phone and both his hands into the pockets of his hoodie. „What are you doing here?“

„That’s my car“, Donghyuck points to the chaos of policemen and people. 

„Oh shit, you good?“, Donghyuck can see how Mark scans him for any injuries which is honestly endearing. 

„Nothing happened“, Donghyuck shrugs. „Do you have your library card?“

„It’s in my apartment“, Mark replies. „We can pick it up if you want to. But if you don’t want to that’s fine too, like, you could wait here while I go and get it“. 

„Nah, it’s fine“, Donghyuck makes a dismissive gesture. Mark is being his usual stuttering, awkward mess and it somehow eases Donghyuck a bit. „Lead the way“. 

⚜️

Mark’s apartment is tiny, at least for Donghyuck‘s standards. It could fit easily in his own bedroom at home and about twice into their salon but it technically has everything you need to survive. There is a bed underneath one of the two windows, a small kitchen right next to the door and a desk squeezed into the space in between. 

„Sorry, I know it’s like, super messy but I‘ve been kinda busy with my exams so-yeah“, Mark closes the door behind him. There are worn clothes scattered over the floor and dirty dishes in the sink and dying plants standing on the shelves. Donghyuck loves it. 

„How do you fit all your stuff inside this tiny room?“, Donghyuck asks, honestly amazed. 

Mark laughs at his question. „I dunno“, he throws his bag into the corner. 

„You don’t have a couch“, Donghyuck points out.

„I have a bed“, Mark shrugs. 

„You also don’t have a TV“. 

„No but I have my laptop“. 

Donghyuck can‘t really argue with that. 

„Do you live here all by yourself?“, he asks and checks out some of the books that are laying around. 

„Yeah“, Mark shuffles around at his desk. 

„So you do all the cleaning?“

„Yeah“

„And the cooking?“

„Yeah“

„And laundry?“

„Yeah“

„All the grocery shopping? All the meal planning?“

„Who else is supposed to do it?“, Mark asks and laughs again, as if that were the most natural thing to do. Maybe it is. 

Fair enough, Donghyuck thinks. He doesn’t tell Mark that he has people who do that for him even though Mark probably knows. 

„How?“, he asks. Donghyuck can‘t imagine doing all of those tasks and keeping himself alive. 

„I dunno“, Mark repeats and laughs again while scratching his neck. „To be honest, most of the time I just eat ramen and frozen pizza and stack my plates in the sink until there are no clean ones left anymore“, Mark pulls out a small card from underneath a pile of papers. „Same goes for my clothes. I do laundry when there’s nothing left to wear“. 

Donghyuck is stunned. This is an entirely new kind of freedom. Mark is so unbelievably independent and that‘s impressive. Donghyuck wants a slice of this. A slice of Mark’s life, a slice of Mark’s autonomy. 

„I don’t even know when I last ate pizza“, Donghyuck mutters and takes a closer look at the guitar that’s leaning against the wall before he gets up again to study the polaroids that Mark has taped to his wall. 

„I eat pizza, like, three times a week“, Mark chuckles nervously even though Donghyuck doesn’t know what he’s nervous about. 

„My parents say it’s bad for my health to eat fast food“, Donghyuck explains because he feels like he has to justify himself somehow. It’s dumb, he sound like a toddler yelling „but mom said no!“. 

„It probably is“, Mark brushes his hair out of his face. „Shall we go back? I got my library card“. 

Donghyuck doesn‘t feel like coffee anymore. Fuck the boy behind the counter, he’s not worth it. He’s not worth leaving this small piece of paradise. 

„I don’t wanna go anymore“, Donghyuck says and plops down on Mark’s bed. It’s unmade, there are too many pillows on it and when Donghyuck sinks into the mattress it screeches under his weight but it’s strangely comfortable. 

„Okay“, Mark is standing a bit lost by the door.

This apartment feels like home, Donghyuck thinks. Even though this is the first time he’s standing in it. 

„And what… do you want to do?“, Mark asks and he looks so unsure that Donghyuck gets the feeling Mark thinks he’s going insane. 

„I don’t know“, Donghyuck shrugs and lets himself fall back into the pile of pillows and blankets. They smell like Mark. „Let’s stay here. The library sucks anyways“. 

„Alright“, Mark kicks off his shoes. 

„Who are the people in the pictures?“, Donghyuck asks out of curiosity as well as to ease the awkwardness that has settled between them. 

„Friends and family“, Mark replies and sits down next to Donghyuck on his bed. 

„Huh“, Donghyuck turns his head so he’s able to look at Mark. „You have a lot of friends“. 

„Ah, I don‘t“, Mark pushes his hands into the pockets of his hoodie again. „Most of them are my cousins´ friends“. 

Mark gets up and picks one of the polaroids from the wall. 

„That’s Johnny“, he points at a tall guy who’s standing next to Mark and two slightly smaller boys. „And next to him is his boyfriend Taeyong“, he points at the boy Johnny has thrown an arm around, „and Taeyong‘s roommate Ten“. 

„So Johnny is your cousin?“, Donghyuck asks and takes the photo into his hand. They’re all wearing ugly party hats and Taeyong has a kazoo in his mouth. They look happy, Donghyuck thinks. 

„Yeah“, Mark pulls another polaroid off. „And that‘s my other cousin Lucas“, he shows Donghyuck the photo. Lucas is even taller than Johnny as far as Donghyuck can tell and he smiles so brightly that it must hurt. 

Mark is there too, he’s standing next to Lucas and has two boys in his arms. 

„Who are those?“, Donghyuck asks and points at them. 

„They’re Jeno and Jaemin, I‘m tutoring them in statistics“, there is a fond look in Mark‘s face, a look that tells Donghyuck that Jeno and Jaemin are more than just some students Mark tutors. 

„What were you doing in the picture?“, Donghyuck asks. There are some trees in the background but it’s clearly night. 

„We went on a camping trip last summer“, Mark explains. „It was raining the days prior and Jeno slipped in the mud after this photo was taken. He was so dirty that Jaemin threw him into the lake with clothes and all“.

Donghyuck laughs at that. What a nice life, he thinks. Getting all dirty and wet without caring. 

„Sounds like you had lots of fun“, Donghyuck comments and fiddles around with his necklace. His grandma used to take him and Jaehyun to the lake sometimes. 

„Yeah“, Mark puts the pictures on his nightstand. „We made fire and grilled marshmallows and I played guitar. We tried to sing but it sounded so horrible that we were afraid we would kill every animal within a three kilometers radius so we stopped“. 

„Do you do this often?“, Donghyuck asks. How are you so free? How can you just go out there and throw yourself into the mud?

„Nah“, Mark leans back so he’s resting against the headboard. „Only when we find the time. On weekends we sometimes have a sleepover at Lucas‘ frat. If there is no party happening, which isn’t that often to be honest“. 

„A sleepover“, Donghyuck repeats. Him and Jaehyun did that once. Jaehyun snuck into his room and they built a pillowfort and ate some of the chocolates they had snuck from the big glass bowl in their hallway. Jaehyun read him a story, because Donghyuck couldn’t read yet but before he could finish it, they were caught. 

His parents had been mad. 

„You know“, Mark makes an awkward gesture. „Eating fast food and sweets until you feel like throwing up, watching movies and playing games until you pass out“. 

„I never had a sleepover“, Donghyuck says out loud and it sounds a lot sadder than in his mind. 

„Oh“, Mark says. 

Yeah, Donghyuck thinks. Oh. 

„That sucks dude“, Mark pulls his legs closer to his upper body. It makes him look smaller than he actually is. Donghyuck thinks it’s cute. 

„Yeah“, he says because he doesn’t know what else to say. 

For a moment they’re silent. 

„Do you wanna have one?“, Mark asks then, out of the blue. 

„What?“, Donghyuck doesn‘t believe his ears. He’s 20, for fuck‘s sake and not 6! He doesn’t need a sleepover, he was perfectly fine the first 20 years of his life without them. 

„A sleepover“, Mark explains even though Donghyuck understood that part. He just doesn’t know why Mark offers. 

„Right now?“, he asks because Mark can’t be serious. 

„I mean unless you don’t want to“, Mark shrugs and avoids Donghyuck‘s gaze. 

Does he want to? A sleepover at 1pm with a guy he met twice in his life? Ridiculous, they’re both adults and Mark probably has better things to do than having a pity-sleepover with Donghyuck. Mark has a ton of friends and probably equally as many cousins and they’re probably a lot more fun to be around than Donghyuck. 

The thing is, in all his 20 years of his life, Donghyuck never had the choice to actually have a sleepover. This wasn’t a thing all the private school students Donghyuck had to deal with did. This wasn’t a thing his parents would have allowed when he was younger. Not that they care now. 

And now Mark offers him, just like that, to have a sleepover. Maybe without the actual sleepover part but Donghyuck isn’t that picky. 

He has a choice. 

„I would really want to“, he admits. At 20 years old, Donghyuck is going to have his first sleepover. 

„Really?“, Mark seems to be surprised, as if he wasn’t expecting Donghyuck to say actually yes. „That’s great dude!“

Donghyuck laughs at Mark‘s adorable enthusiasm. 

„What do we do first?“, he asks and Donghyuck feels a little like a child all over again. Like Haechan, he realizes. He feels a lot like Haechan right now. 

„You need, like, different clothes“, Mark gestures at what Donghyuck is currently wearing. 

„I do?“, Donghyuck looks down on himself. „What’s wrong with my clothes?“

„Nothing! It’s nothing wrong with them“, Mark quickly assures. „But they‘re not comfy“. 

„Ah“, Donghyuck gets up. „Should I drive home and change?“. 

„It’s cool“, Mark gets up as well and walks over to his dresser. „You can have some of mine. If that’s okay with you, I mean“. 

„Gimme!“, Haechan makes grabby hands at Mark and the sweatpants he‘s holding. 

„There you go“, Mark hands them over and then turns around to give Donghyuck some privacy. 

„Oh come on, Mark!“, Haechan laughs. „That’s nothing you haven’t seen before“. 

„Yeah, right, true, true“, Mark blushes before taking a second pair of sweatpants out of the drawer to put them on himself. 

„Now pizza!“, Donghyuck exclaims as soon as Mark is finished and waddles over to the kitchen. Mark’s sweatpants are a tiny bit short on him but they’re comfortable and soft against his skin. 

„Wait, you really want to eat pizza?“, Mark asks with big eyes. 

„Yeah“, Donghyuck frowns. „Is that a problem? Do you need more time to prepare pizza?“ 

„No, no“, Mark quickly shakes his head. „Alright, let‘s have pizza“.

He is quick to join Donghyuck at the stove and opens the small refrigerator underneath the counter. There are some beer bottles inside, a half-eaten stack of pancakes, some eggs and a box of kimchi. 

„Do you want pepperoni pizza or one with ham?“, Mark asks as he opens the freezer. 

„I don’t know“, Donghyuck shrugs. „What can you recommend?“

Mark looks at him in disbelief and then he starts laughing as if Donghyuck just made the most hilarious joke he ever heard. 

„What?“, Donghyuck is puzzled. He doesn’t know what’s so funny, he just told Mark he doesn’t really ever eat pizza, so how should he know?

„Nothing“, Mark giggles. „Let’s make both and share“. 

Donghyuck nods. Sharing pizza with Mark, that sounds good. 

Mark pulls two frozen pizzas out and sets them on the counter. 

„Do we have to defrost them?“, Donghyuck asks and Mark looks like he has to suppress another laughter. 

„No, we just put them into the oven“, Mark explains. 

„Just like that?“, Donghyuck skeptically eyes the pizza. „That’s all?“

„That’s all“, Mark confirms and reaches for the buttons of the stove. 

„That’s so easy! I always thought cooking is super difficult“, he excitedly watches as Mark takes both pizzas out of the plastic wrap and puts them onto a baking tray. 

„Well, I guess real cooking  _ is _ difficult“, Mark says as he puts the pizzas into the oven. 

„Why would anyone do real cooking when it’s so much easier to just put food into an oven? That’s a great invention!“, Donghyuck furrows his eyebrows. 

„You can‘t survive on frozen food“, Mark fondly rolls his eyes at him before he reaches for his cupboard and pulls several bags of chips, popcorn and other treats out. 

„Why not? You’re still alive, aren’t you?“, Donghyuck argues. 

„Yeah, I‘m alive because every now and then Jaemin cooks for me or Taeyong brings me real food“, Mark tosses one of the bags towards Donghyuck, who of course is too slow to catch it in time. It smacks into his face before it falls onto Mark’s floor and Donghyuck shrieks in surprise, an embarrassingly high sound that can probably still be heard in the hallway. 

„Oh gosh, I‘m so sorry, I should have warned you“, Marks rushes towards him and grabs Donghyuck chin, turning his face left and right to examine him for any injuries. „Shit, I‘m really sorry“. 

Donghyuck stares into Marks big, worried eyes and laughs. He laughs, because Mark just threw a bag of gummy bears into his face, gummy bears that remind him of afternoons with Jaehyun and his grandmother, he laughs because at 20 years old, Donghyuck has his first sleepover ever, he laughs because Mark is here and doesn’t think he is weird for never eating pizza. 

He laughs because with Mark, it’s so easy. Because he’s here with Mark, in Mark’s apartment with all of his problems locked out and for once, Donghyuck is truly happy. 

If the price is getting smacked with a bag of gummy bears by Mark, Donghyuck will happily pay it. 

„I’m okay“, he laughs and those words mean so much more to him than they probably mean to Mark. He is okay, Donghyuck is okay for the very first time. 

So they eat pizza and gummy bears and popcorn and chips and ice cream and chocolate until Donghyuck feels like throwing up. They build a huge pillow fort on Mark’s bed with all of the blankets and pillows and sheets and Mark doesn’t think Donghyuck is childish when he proposes they set a password to enter it. They watch Zootopia, Moana and Up and when Donghyuck cries, Mark hugs him and dries his tears with his adorable sweater paws. Donghyuck laughs at all the stories Mark tells him about his childhood in Canada and his life here in Seoul and in exchange, Donghyuck shows Mark his fixed necklace and tells him some stories himself. 

And then it’s late, around 11pm and Mark yawns for the third time in two minutes and Donghyuck thinks that if he doesn’t go now, he’s going to pass out next to Mark on his bed. 

„I should go home“, he says and carefully untangles himself from Mark’s limbs. 

„It’s late“, Mark protests and pulls Donghyuck back against his chest. 

„I‘ll just call a cab“, Donghyuck mutters and tries to get up. It’s difficult with Mark clinging onto him like that. 

„Are you sure? You could stay if you don’t mind sharing the bed“, Mark proposes and for a second, Donghyuck is tempted to stay. But Mark has already done so much for him and Donghyuck doesn’t want to be a burden. 

„My parents will be worried if I stay“, he says. It’s a lie, Donghyuck would be surprised if anyone even noticed his absence but Mark seems to buy it. 

He nods. „Text me when you’re home“, he gets up himself and hands Donghyuck his trousers. Huh, he almost forgot about them. 

Donghyuck changes and then Mark accompanies him down and he makes sure that Donghyuck is sitting in the right cab home. 

„Bye Mark“, Donghyuck calls out and waves. 

„Bye Haechan“, Mark says and awkwardly waves back. 

Donghyuck feels weirdly empty when they drive off. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like I‘m kinda late with the update but the last few days were super stressful for me and I barely found time to write. I‘ll try to get a more reliable schedule soon but for now, I’m busy with keeping myself alive in between countless doctors appointments and university work. I hope everyone has an awesome day, stay safe!  
> \- Saphirsilber ♥️


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> „Nevermind“, he says and turns away from the bed because suddenly the view of two kissing models becomes too much. „Why‘re you calling?“, Donghyuck asks instead to distract himself and as casually as possible.   
> „Oh right“, Mark says. „There is a party at Lucas‘ place tonight and I was thinking- like, I dunno, maybe you would like to come?“

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really struggled with this chapter but I hope you still enjoy reading it :)  
> Have a great day and stay safe!  
> ~ Saphirsilber 
> 
> (Please note that this chapter starts off with a scene that includes self harming behavior)

Donghyuck texts Mark as soon as he‘s home. It takes Mark maybe 0.2 seconds to reply with a string of messages, telling Donghyuck good night and sweet dreams. 

As Donghyuck is preparing a bath, he wonders if Mark could be considered his friend. 

Donghyuck has always been untouchable. He figures that’s the reason why he never had friends while growing up because even when Donghyuck was still a child, he was never really just Donghyuck. He was always Donghyuck Lee, second child of the maybe wealthiest man in all of Seoul, his family had a big name, power and money. 

It wasn’t that the other children were mean to him, no. But they never invited him to their homes, they never saw him outside of kindergarten or school and Donghyuck has a feeling that it’s also thanks to his parents. They have always been keeping him in a cage, the infamous golden cage and Donghyuck was untouchable. 

But Mark isn’t afraid to touch Donghyuck. Mark pulls Donghyuck close and hugs him when they meet or when Donghyuck cries or when Donghyuck is tired. It’s like Donghyuck is fire and Mark is the only one who is not afraid to burn. 

The flame of one of the scented candles dances in the humid air of Donghyuck‘s bathroom. It’s so pretty. 

Maybe, Donghyuck thinks, maybe he is wrong. Maybe Mark is the flame, maybe Mark is the fire, so pretty, so bright, so warm. Maybe Donghyuck is the hand dancing around it, always burning himself when he gets too close. Never able to quite touch Mark, never able to reach out first, always waiting for Mark to come to him and make him burn. 

Donghyuck doesn‘t want Mark to be untouchable. He reaches for the flame and watches as his hand gets illuminated by its light. Golden skin starts glowing, sending dark shadows onto the wall. Donghyuck doesn‘t want to stand by and just watch Mark. He wants to overstep his boundaries, he wants to touch him and burn himself on the bright flame that is Mark, Mark, Mark. 

Donghyuck lowers his hand until golden skin turns red, until the pain that’s shooting through his fingertips drowns out the numbness in his body. Alive. Mark makes him feel alive. 

⚜️

Donghyuck groans into his pillow when his annoyingly loud ringtone cuts through the silence of the room, effectively pulling him out of his dreams. He rolls back, eyes closed to protect him from the blasting stark light and blindly reaching for his phone. 

After two failed attempts, Donghyuck‘s fingertips finally collide with the cold glass of his touchscreen but sadly, they send his phone straight to the floor. Donghyuck winces at the loud thud, the pain inside of his head potentially growing. At least his smartphone has stopped ringing. 

There is a slight nausea in Donghyuck‘s stomach and his throat is dry. He’s thirsty but the thought of leaving the bed in favor of getting himself a glass of water doesn’t sound too nice in Donghyuck‘s ears. 

For a couple of moments, Donghyuck remains motionless and allows himself to sink even deeper into the mattress. He is awake now anyways, there is no use in trying to fall asleep again, not when Donghyuck‘s entire body desperately craves some water. 

When Donghyuck opens his eyes, the rays of sunshine that fall though the half closed jalousies in front of the window onto the bed sting briefly in his eyes before Donghyuck‘s poor, aching body gets used to his surroundings. 

He’s laying in a hotel suite in a large bed. Next to him, two bodies are buried underneath pillows and blankets. Huh. 

Donghyuck pushes himself up and tries to remember the last evening. Blurry images come and go, strobe lights and laughters ringing in his ear. There is champagne, wine and two hot bodies that press against Donghyuck, cold air hitting his skin and then nothing. 

It’s Seoul fashion week, Donghyuck remembers, which translates in Donghyuck’s world to „party week“. At this point, it’s a bit of a tradition for Donghyuck to spend the week in the capital to get absolutely smashed. Fashion week means lots of parties, lots of alcohol, lots of pretty models that Donghyuck can fuck. It’s almost like heaven on earth, safe for the horrible hangovers, of course. 

Another groan leaves Donghyuck‘s lips when he pushes himself off the bed and stumbles over to the bathroom. He feels dizzy and nauseous and for a second Donghyuck is afraid he’s going to pass out but then he sprinkles his face with some cold water and he’s feeling better again. 

The bathroom is a mess, Donghyuck’s makeup and skincare products are scattered all over the place and there are towels laying on the floor. It’s only been three days but Donghyuck thinks it looks like he’s been living in this suite for three weeks. He sighs again and grabs a fresh towel with shaking hands to dry his face before he steps back into the other room. 

On the glass table of the lounge, empty bottles are stacked into high towers, it seems like Donghyuck and his companions decided to have an exclusive afterparty. Donghyuck notices his credit card laying next to a pile of what has to be cocaine, along with some bills and a few cigarette stubs. 

Donghyuck decides that he isn’t sober enough yet to deal with this mess and picks up one of the shirts off the floor. It isn’t his but Donghyuck figures since the two other guys didn’t mind sharing his bed he should be okay. When he arrives at the bed, Donghyuck lets himself fall forward into the cushions. Shit, Seoul fashion week never fails to fuck him up. 

He can feel the sheets ruffling next to him but it’s not like Donghyuck cares if his hookups stay for breakfast or leave before he properly gets up, as long as they let Donghyuck nurse his hangover in peace. Sadly, at least one of his hookups doesn’t seem to share his opinion. 

A cold finger dances featherlight over Donghyuck‘s skin, making its way over his stomach and arm towards his neck, where equally cold lips join it. Donghyuck groans again and blindly shoves the body next to him. His aim seems not too far off, if the playful huff that he hears is anything to go by. 

„What’s wrong, Darling?“, a deep voice asks and then the cold fingers are back, drawing patterns on Donghyuck‘s hip. 

Donghyuck‘s answer consists of an annoyed sound and hands that catch the other boy‘s wrists. 

„Stop it“, Donghyuck mutters into the pillow. 

A low chuckle leaves the other’s lips. 

„Seems like you are not a morning person, Lee Donghyuck“, the dark voice says and great, of course this guy knows his name. 

Donghyuck rolls his eyes before he rolls himself over, one arm coming up to protect his sensitive eyes from the sunlight. The boy who’s laying next to him has the face of a god and sculpted abs that would put Michaelangelo to shame. He’s all pale skin against expensive silk covers, all smooth muscles and sharp edges. 

„It’s already morning…?“, a tired voice comes from the other side of the bed. The covers move just to reveal another ridiculously handsome boy. He has the most kissable lips Donghyuck ever saw and even with his smudged eye makeup everything about him screams sex appeal. 

Donghyuck feels weirdly out of place, those two models are too perfect, too smooth, too unreal for him. They’re sharp where Donghyuck is round, pale where Donghyuck is not and with their unstained features they fit into this bed, into this hotel suite so much better than Donghyuck does. 

Donghyuck plops back into the cushions with a sigh. He’s hungover and tired and now that he’s awake again he feels miserable. 

„Someone’s phone rang“, the one with the pretty lips says and it sounds almost like a question. 

„It was Donghyuck‘s“, model number one with the great abs answers. 

„Oh“, lips sits up. „Do we need to leave?“

„It’s fine“, Donghyuck tells them with a dismissive gesture. „It was probably just my brother“. 

Abs hums and then cages Donghyuck underneath him, both of his hands on either side of his face. „It would be a pity to keep him waiting“, he says with a voice that tells Donghyuck he wouldn’t mind at all to let Jaehyun wait for the sake of some morning sex. 

„Sure“, Donghyuck replies but to be honest, he’s rather busy with staring at abs‘ lips. He doesn’t have any intentions to call Jaehyun back anyways. 

„Let’s keep him waiting anyways“, lips rolls over until his face is close enough to Donghyuck for him to feel his breath ghosting over his cheeks. 

Before Donghyuck can reply, lips closes the distance between them and hungrily kisses Donghyuck. It’s messy and sloppy, all teeth and tongue while Donghyuck can feel abs‘ hands wander down his body. 

It should be hot. Donghyuck knows he shouldn’t just lay there and be this unbothered when two super models are hovering above him with sinful lips and the promise of hot morning sex. But something inside of Donghyuck can’t seem to enjoy it. Some kind of resistance, some part of Donghyuck that screams at him that this isn’t what he wants. 

Donghyuck pushes lips back. 

„You guys start without me, I really need to call back my brother“, he says and rolls himself off the bed. He would rather talk to Jaehyun than to keep doing sinful things with the two models in his bed. 

When Donghyuck reaches for his phone, he frowns. It’s not Jaehyun who has called him. It’s Mark. Why would Mark call him? Did something happen? 

He quickly opens his phone and calls back. With his phone squeezed in between his shoulder and his ear, Donghyuck goes through the countless pieces of clothes on the floor, trying to find his pants. 

„Hello?“, Mark‘s voice sounds tiny on the other side of the line. 

„What happened?“, Donghyuck blurts out and he hopes he doesn’t sound as panicked as he actually is. 

„What?“, Mark sounds confused and oh, oh. 

„Did… did something happen?“, Donghyuck freezes his movements, one leg halfway through skinny jeans that may not even be his. 

„Haechan?“, Mark seems to realize only now who is calling him. „Nothing happened, why are you asking?“

„Nevermind“, he says and turns away from the bed because suddenly the view of two kissing models becomes too much. „Why‘re you calling?“, Donghyuck asks instead to distract himself and as casually as possible. 

„Oh right“, Mark says. „There is a party at Lucas‘ place tonight and I was thinking- like, I dunno, maybe you would like to come?“

Donghyuck freezes. Mark would like him to come to a party? With him and all his friends? Isn’t Donghyuck too embarrassing, too much of a mess for Mark to introduce him to his friends? Why would Mark want him there? 

„I mean, you don’t have to if you don’t want to!“, Mark quickly reassures because Donghyuck must have been silent for the past two minutes or so. „I was just thinking- because you admired my photos last time and uh, I mean I can‘t promise anything but it’s probably going to be fun? I just thought- yeah and you don’t need to come, obviously, but I thought, like, maybe you would like to?“

„Oh my God“, Donghyuck giggles. „Oh my God Mark, shut up! Of course I’m going to come“. 

„Really?“

„Yeah, put me on the guestlist“, Donghyuck tells him and Mark laughs at that and Donghyuck can’t help but laugh with him even though he doesn’t understand why they’re laughing. 

„Alright, cool, I‘ll text you the details“, Mark says and Donghyuck nods before he notices that Mark can’t see him. 

„Sounds good“, he mutters. 

For a moment they’re silent and it feels like there are a thousand unspoken words between them. Donghyuck suddenly feels stripped bare, like Mark just peeled layers upon layers off him until only Donghyuck‘s most intimate thoughts are left without even saying anything. The feeling is so raw and Donghyuck feels so vulnerable in this hotel room in Seoul a few kilometers away from Mark. Then the moment passes. 

„Uh, see you then?“, Mark asks and Donghyuck nods, again because he needs a second to collect himself. 

„See you then“, he replies and hangs up and turns back to where two people are still entangled on his hotel bed. „Hey, I‘m leaving“, he tells them while grabbing his jacket. He doesn’t care that the two models are too busy making out to hear him, he has a party to be tonight. 

⚜️

Donghyuck is home, but the large mansion doesn’t feel like home anymore (when has it ever?). The pictures that are hanging in the hallway show Donghyuck and his family but as Donghyuck looks at them he feels like he isn’t the person in the photo. They look nothing like Mark’s polaroids that are so raw, so full of life, so honest. 

There is no one who greets him, no one who notices that he returned two days early but Donghyuck isn’t sure if anyone even noticed that he was gone. 

His room feels weirdly cold as well. All this space and Donghyuck still feels like suffocating, like the walls press tightly against his ribcage, crushing his bones, his flesh, his heart. He throws his bag at his bed and sighs. 

Donghyuck wonders if anyone would have cared if he stayed in the hotel room forever. The answer is yes, Mark would have. Mark, who invited Donghyuck to a party, a real frat party with students instead of loaded snobs, with people who care about friends more than they care about money. 

He doesn't have a clue about the dress code of the party but Donghyuck figures that a little glitter is never wrong (and maybe, just maybe Donghyuck wants to look pretty for Mark as well). 

Mark texted him an address and a time but because Donghyuck had a small (huge) crisis with his eyeliner, he’s half an hour late when he gets into the car and Donghyuck knows that it will take another twenty minutes at least to arrive at the party. He doesn’t mind though, it’s called fashionably late. 

To Donghyuck‘s surprise, there are none of the usual doormen standing in front of the admittedly shabby house and suddenly Donghyuck feels stupid for turning up in his high class car wearing heaute couture. 

„We‘re here“, his driver tells him, as if Donghyuck hasn’t noticed. 

„Drive to the next street“, Donghyuck orders because he feels too embarrassed to step out of the black Rolls Royce looking like he belongs on a fucking red carpet for a damn frat party. 

His driver compiles and when Donghyuck is sure that he can‘t be seen from the house anymore, he finally steps out of the car. 

„Do you want me to wait here?“, the driver asks but Donghyuck shakes his head. 

„I‘ll give you a call if I need you tonight“, he says and then slams the door shut. It’s cooler outside than Donghyuck was expecting and the air of the night makes him shiver- or is that his nerves?

„Calm down, Lee“, Donghyuck mutters to himself. He should be used to partying, hell, he probably partied more and harder than any of the students in the house. 

With shaking hands, Donghyuck pulls out a pack of cigarettes from his jacket. He desperately needs something in his system before he can enter this party and nicotine usually helps him to gain some courage even though alcohol or cocaine would be kinda nice right now as well. 

However, Donghyuck doesn’t want to show up already wasted on this party. Mark’s friends will be there and for the first time in his life, Donghyuck is determined to make a good first impression. 

As he walks down the empty road, cigarette in his hand, Donghyuck notices that all of the houses here look a little unkempt. Most of the front yards are left to themselves, there is paint peeling off the walls and Donghyuck even spots a broken window. Oh God, his father would freak out if he knew. 

His cigarette is almost finished when he arrives at the frat house. Donghyuck can hear the loud music even outside as well as the cheering and laughter of drunk college students. There is no one asking for his name or ticket or entry as he approaches the door, only a couple laying in the grass while making out and two girls, one of them clearly wasted and the other one holding her friend‘s hair back as she throws up. Lovely. 

Donghyuck searches for an ashtray and doesn’t find one so he throws his cigarette on the floor and steps on it before he takes one last deep breath and pushes the door open. 

It’s a lot to take in. Everywhere are people, the air is filled with smoke and sweat and the smell of alcohol and if Donghyuck thought he didn’t fit in before, the sight of the countless college students almost makes him want to turn around and flee straight back to his mansion. 

He doesn’t get the chance because a group of girls pushes past him and Donghyuck gets swept away with the masses. There seems to be no etiquette to follow and no program for the night. The bass that comes from the beaten up speakers is too loud and makes Donghyuck almost deaf. It’s nice. Donghyuck almost likes it.

He pushes past drunk people, trying to find the bar but after almost five minutes of searching, Donghyuck is convinced that there isn’t one. 

„Excuse me“, he yells over the music and grabs a random guy‘s arm. „Where is the bar?“

The guy looks at him with a funny face and then points towards his right. „In the kitchen“, he yells back. „Be careful with the punch“. 

Donghyuck nods and lets him go. In the kitchen, huh? That’s new. He carefully makes his way towards said room and it takes a bit of searching but after another five minutes, Donghyuck has finally reached his destination. 

The music is a bit more quiet here and over the dirty counter are empty cups and bottles of god-knows-what scattered. There is no barkeeper but a group of girls frantically talking towards one of them who is crying and another boy who ignores them in favor of mixing himself a drink. 

Donghyuck sighs. If he wants to get wasted tonight it seems like he has to mix a drink for himself. He starts looking for a bottle with a familiar tag but he knows none of the labels. 

„Hey“, the boy greets him and sends him a friendly smile. He doesn’t seem as wasted as the rest of the party yet. 

„Hi“, Donghyuck says and points at the boy’s drink. „What are you mixing there?“

The boy shrugs and smiles again. „I don’t know“, he grabs another random bottle and fills his cup up to the brim. „Want one as well?“

Donghyuck considers his options for a moment and then shrugs. „Sure“, he says and reaches for a hopefully clean cup. 

„I’m Hendery by the way“, the boy- Hendery- introduces himself. „Lucas‘ brother“. 

„Oh“, Donghyuck remembers Lucas from Mark’s polaroids. „I know Lucas. You’re Mark’s cousin as well?“

„Exactly!“, Hendery hands him his drink with another smile. „Cheers“, he says and pushes his cup against Donghyuck‘s. 

„Cheers“, Donghyuck replies and takes a big gulp just to fight the urge to spit it all out the next moment. 

„Fuck“, Hendery curses and pulls a grimace. 

„This tastes like a mix of  _ I‘m-gonna-fucking-die _ and  _ I-hate-my-life-so-much _ “, Donghyuck says as soon as he’s done choking on the cheap alcohol in his cup. 

„Sorry“, Hendery grins goofily and it reminds Donghyuck of a puppy. 

„Oh don‘t be“, Donghyuck takes another sip of the awful drink. „I fucking love it“. 

Hendery throws his head back and laughs and Donghyuck thinks that he’s kinda cute. 

„Now that we established that I‘m a horrible bartender, can you tell me your name? I don’t think I‘ve seen you around before“, Hendery puts his cup back down and looks expectantly at Donghyuck. 

„I’m… I‘m Haechan“, Donghyuck says because well, why not keep the pseudonym? 

„That’s a pretty unusual name“, Hendery raises one of his eyebrows. 

Donghyuck snorts. „So is Hendery“, he says. 

„Fair enough“, Hendery takes his cup and another sip of his hell-mix. „What are you doing here anyways? You don’t look like you belong to a frat party“. 

Ouch, that hurt but Donghyuck knows Hendery is right. He sticks out but not in the good kind of way. 

„I’m here for-“

„Hendery!“, another guy comes stumbling through the door, effectively cutting Donghyuck off. „Where have you been, I‘m having the time of my life!“

„Hey Kun“, Hendery greets the new guy and despite Kun draping himself completely over him he manages to avoid spilling even a drop of his drink. Donghyuck is impressed. 

„I was flirting with Ten and I‘m so gonna take him home“, Kun‘s voice is way too loud for the actual silence in the kitchen but Donghyuck laughs at him. Everyone is so reckless here, he loves it. 

„That’s cool“, Hendery peels Kun off. „Hey, meet Haechan“, he says and points at Donghyuck. 

„Hey Haechan“, Kun greets him enthusiastically. 

„Hey Kun“, Donghyuck chuckles. 

„Anyways, you wanna dance? I swear, Winwin is killing it on the dancefloor right now, I‘m so proud“, Kun dramatically wipes a fake-tear from his face and before either of them can reply, Kun pulls them with him back into the living room aka dancefloor. 

So they dance and they drink and they laugh but something still feels like Donghyuck doesn’t fit in and he knows it. Why would Mark want him here? Donghyuck is way too embarrassing to be even seen with someone like Mark, God. 

Mark, who is by the way nowhere to be seen, even after an hour of excessive dancing and drinking with Kun and Hendery. 

Donghyuck is in the kitchen with Hendery again, the other boy is once again mixing him a drink. On his question of what he wanted Donghyuck had replied „just fuck me up“ and it seems like Hendery takes that literally, given that the liquid in Donghyuck‘s cup is now an ugly brown and smells like it could serve as gasoline. 

Another student stumbles into the kitchen. 

„Hey guys“, he greets them enthusiastically and reaches for one of his pockets. „Wanna do this with me?“

Two pills are laying in the palm of his hand, Donghyuck doesn’t recognize them. 

„I’m good“, Hendery says and takes a sip from his cup. His grimace tells Donghyuck all he needs to know about the contents of his own drink. 

„I‘ll do it“, Donghyuck shrugs. It doesn’t matter now anyways, after Hendery‘s mix from hell he‘s gonna be wrecked anyways. 

„Great!“, the boy beams and offers him one of the pills and Donghyuck swallows it as soon as it touches his fingertips. 

„What’s that anyways?“, Hendery asks and the look on his face is concerned and skeptical. 

Donghyuck rolls his eyes. Hendery reminds him of Jaehyun right now. 

„Not sure“, the boy replies and takes the remaining pill before another group of girls float into the kitchen and pull the boy with them. 

„I can’t believe you just took a pill without even knowing what it is“, Hendery shakes his head and the smile on his face is unsure. 

„Don’t be so tight up“, Donghyuck scolds him playfully. „Come on, let’s dance“. 

And they do dance, which is nice but something is still missing. Or someone. 

Donghyuck is used to be lonely, used to be alone. Even now with dozens of people around him, Donghyuck knows that he isn’t really with them. It’s always been him and nobody else and that was okay. Donghyuck didn’t know anything different. 

But now Donghyuck had a taste of what it could be- that there could be two people instead of just him alone and the feeling is addictive and at the same time it’s scary, it’s so fucking scary and maybe that’s why Donghyuck still hasn’t reached out for Mark. 

Donghyuck is scared that he is deeper in this than Mark. Being alone has its benefits like autonomy, the feeling of being untouchable means that nothing can ever hurt you. It also means that no one can ever see you. 

The vibrations of his phone pull him back onto the dancefloor where music is blasting in his ears and people are dancing around him. 

„Mark!“, he happily exclaims when he picks up the call. The strobe lights are dancing wildly around him and the music rings in his ears. There are so many strangers pressed flush against Donghyuck, they’re dancing and laughing and drinking and so does Donghyuck. 

Mark says something or at least Donghyuck thinks he does but he can’t really understand him over the loud beat of the music. 

„Hang on, lemme just-“, Donghyuck yells into his phone as he tries to push through the people towards one of the huge glass doors that lead to a backyard. The interior of the frat house (at least Donghyuck thinks it’s a frat house, he isn’t sure though, all he knows is Lucas, Mark’s cousin, is in a frat and that this is kind of his party) consists of unmatching furniture which equals lots of sharp edges in which Donghyuck constantly bumps. It’s annoying but he guesses it’s also his fault for being so wasted. 

He reaches one of the doors and pushes hard, not expecting that the door immediately gives in and stumbles onto the terrace. When the cold air hits Donghyuck, it feels like a punch in the face. It does nothing to sober him up, instead Donghyuck it seems to double his intoxication instantly. 

„Haechan?“, Mark‘s unsure voice reaches Donghyuck‘s voice through the speaker. 

„Yeah, yeah, I’m here“, Donghyuck closes his eyes briefly in an attempt to calm himself (bad idea, everything is spinning way too fast when he does) and staggers towards the wooden fence to desperately hold onto it. 

„Where are you?“, Mark asks, clearly confused. 

„I‘m here“, Donghyuck slurs. His tongue feels weirdly heavy and Donghyuck figures that maybe he shouldn’t have drank the last two drinks Hendery happily mixed him. Donghyuck is not used to the cheap alcohol but that’s okay. The night is beautiful. 

„Where?“, Mark repeats and there are a lot of question marks in his voice. 

The dancing lights remind him of Paris, Paris looks beautiful by night, Donghyuck thinks. The way the lights shine so softly underneath him is always so mesmerizing, it’s so pretty. Donghyuck had always a thing for France. He wonders if Mark would appreciate the view just as much as he does. 

„Do you like Paris?“, Donghyuck blurts out because he’s drunk and maybe a little high and he has the weird urge to say everything he thinks. 

„I- what?“, Mark stammers, apparently not expecting the conversation to go this way. 

Donghyuck thinks Mark would like it in Paris. Who wouldn’t? It’s always such a splendid scene, one that almost makes Donghyuck believe that there is a God and that he means good for all people. 

He doubts that Mark would go with him though. Donghyuck is just Donghyuck and Mark is-well, Mark is Mark. But Mark shines so brightly like the lights of the city and Donghyuck is nothing compared to him. 

„Nevermind“, Donghyuck shakes his head in an attempt to get rid of his thoughts. It doesn’t work out too well for him because it only increases his dizziness. „Where are you?“

„At the party, waiting for you“, Mark replies and oh, Mark is waiting for him? 

„Me too!“, Donghyuck calls out happily. Maybe Mark does want to spend the evening with him after all. 

„Cool, where exactly are you? I haven’t seen you yet“, Mark sounds relieved and Donghyuck marvels at the warm feeling that suddenly floats through his stomach. 

„I’m in the garden“, Donghyuck tells him and then he sits down and starts giggling. He’s at a frat party, in a garden that isn’t his, on the phone with the prettiest boy he ever met. Sometimes, Donghyuck thinks, sometimes life is kind. 

„Nice, I‘ll come down“, Mark says and then hangs up. 

The grass feels weirdly rough underneath Donghyuck‘s fingertips, it’s not like the well-kept grass they grow in their garden at home but it feels so much warmer. Like it’s embracing Donghyuck. 

He leans back, head colliding with the hard ground a bit less controlled than he had hoped for but it’s still nice. What a nice night, what a nice party. 

„Jo“, a tall guy appears in Donghyuck‘s vision. He has seen him before, he just doesn’t remember where but now the guy is blocking his view towards the sky. Not cool. 

„You’re not Mark“, Donghyuck unnecessarily points out. It would have been cool if it was Mark. 

„Nah“, the tall guy says and sits down next to Donghyuck. „You wanna smoke?“

Somewhere in the back of his head a voice tells Donghyuck that it’s probably not a good idea to mix this many drugs. It sounds suspiciously like Jaehyun and Donghyuck pushes the thought away. He’s allowed to have fun. 

He shrugs, a little Weed won’t harm anyone after all. Lights are dancing around Donghyuck as he takes the glowing stub and inhales the burning smoke. 

„I know you from somewhere“, Donghyuck slurs when he hands back the joint to the tall guy. A warm feeling floods his stomach and his head gets all light. Funny. 

The tall guy shrugs and takes a drag himself. 

„You know Mark. Maybe we‘ve seen each other before. I‘m his cousin“, he explains and shrugs. 

Donghyuck laughs. Of course he is Mark’s cousin, isn’t everyone Mark’s cousin? Is Donghyuck Mark’s cousin? Probably not but the thought is hilarious. 

God, this guy is hilarious or maybe it’s just the weed? Donghyuck calms himself and tries to think. Yeah, it’s definitely the weed. 

„Good to meet you, Mark’s cousin“, Donghyuck says and decides to introduce himself. „I‘m-“

„Haechan!“, Mark‘s voice interrupts him or maybe he just finished his sentence. Maybe it’s fate, Donghyuck thinks as he looks up at Mark’s flushed face. Maybe they just belong together. 

„Mark“, he exclaims and reaches for him, only to realize that Mark is too far away from him. 

„Dude“, Mark giggles before kneeling onto the grass next to Donghyuck so his uncoordinated hands can finally collide with Mark. „You’re wasted“. 

Mark is pretty especially right now with the dancing lights that illuminate his pale skin. He belongs on a runway, Donghyuck thinks. Or maybe on the cover of a magazine like the ones his mother used to love. 

„Pretty“, Donghyuck says instead of replying to Mark’s statement because apparently all thoughts that are left in his brain are  _ Mark sexy haha _ . 

The guy next to Donghyuck chuckles and oh, Donghyuck had almost forgotten about him. He takes another hit from the joint. 

„Dude“, Mark blushes and Donghyuck thinks he’s pretty. So fucking pretty, Mark is so much prettier than him. 

„I‘ll leave you two to it“, the tall guy says and then he gets up (wow, he is really tall). „Take care Mark“. 

„Thanks Johnny“, Mark replies and right, Johnny, Mark’s cousin, is at Lucas‘ party, who is also Mark’s cousin and Donghyuck has danced with Hendery, Mark’s cousin. 

Donghyuck laughs. He laughs and then suddenly, he jerks up. 

„I need to throw up“. 


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Donghyuck‘s bathroom is larger than Mark’s entire apartment and Donghyuck feels so small, so lonely.   
> He takes out the bottle of happy pills and takes three, washing them down with the wine but it’s not enough. Donghyuk doesn‘t want to feel anymore, he just wants to be numb, at least for today.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter includes descriptions of blood, selfharm, suicidal thoughts and substance abuse. If you are uncomfortable with any of these topics, please don’t continue reading.

There is nothing romantic about the way Mark quite literally holds Donghyuck while Donghyuck empties his stomach over and over again onto the poor dying bush in the farthest corner of the frat garden. 

It takes a while until it stops. 

„Mark“, Donghyuck can‘t even hold himself up anymore, all his weight is supported by Mark now but he needs to know, he needs to ask Mark now because tomorrow he knows he won’t have the courage for it anymore. „Mark, are we friends?“

„Haechan, I am literally carrying you home“, Mark tightens his grip around Donghyuck‘s waist again. 

„Is that a yes?“, Donghyuck hopefully raises his head, his blurry gaze searching for Mark’s face and the expression in his eyes. When he finds them, Donghyuck can’t see anything in them but fondness. 

„Yes, silly. Of course we’re friends“, Mark playfully rolls his eyes at him. 

„Forever?“, Donghyuck asks and he hates how small his voice sounds. Too vulnerable, too weak, too desperate. 

„Forever, Haechan“, Mark promises and smiles at him but it’s still not enough for Donghyuck. 

„You’re not gonna leave me, right Mark? You’re gonna stay with me?“

„I‘ll stay“, Mark confirms. 

„Do you promise?“, Donghyuck asks and tries to offer Mark his pinky. It’s not working out like he hoped it would because Donghyuck is very drunk and Mark can’t really hold them both up when Donghyuck jerks around in his grip. 

They tumble a bit and for a brief moment Donghyuck thinks they’re going to fall and smack into the grey asphalt of the street. But then Mark catches them both and secures Donghyuck by his side. 

„Yeah, promise Haechan“, Mark grabs his pinky and links it with his. 

„Good“, Donghyuck says and lets his tired head fall against Mark’s shoulder. 

⚜️

Something wakes Donghyuck up. It’s not his alarm and it’s not his phone either. It’s the loud beeping of, well, something. 

Donghyuck‘s head is throbbing and he desperately presses his eyes shut, a whimper leaving his lips because shit, Donghyuck got fucked up last night. 

„Shit, shit, shit“, someone mutters while dragging something around and Donghyuck can smell thick smoke. 

„What’s going on“, Donghyuck groans and rolls on his back, his basic survival instincts momentarily curing his massive hangover. 

„Oh thank god, you’re alive“, a happy voice chimes and when Donghyuck cracks an eye open he notices Mark standing on a chair, the smoke wavering around him giving him the aesthetic of a nymph raising from her spring early in the morning. 

Except that Mark is wearing pyjamas with bright yellow rubber duckies on it, the smoke is less of an alluring nebula than it‘s a grey wall that’s choking Donghyuck and his spring is a tiny, cramped college apartment. 

Somehow Donghyuck finds himself still preferring this view over an actual nymph. 

„We‘re going to die“, Donghyuck rasps over the noise of the still beeping smoke detector that Mark is desperately trying to turn off. 

„Nonono, don‘t worry, I just tried to make breakfast but I kinda fucked up the eggs but like, that’s okay“, Mark explains and finally manages to turn off the smoke detector. „It happens all the time“. 

Donghyuck lets out an affirmative noise that sounds more like a dying crow than a human. 

„Painkillers“, he croaks out and hopes that Mark understands. 

„Oh yeah, yeah“, Mark steps off the chair and nervously scratches his neck. „I think they’re in the bathroom cabinet, top right. Help yourself, I gotta clean that up“, he gestures towards what Donghyuck thinks have to be the burnt eggs. 

Donghyuck drags himself towards Mark’s tiny bathroom. There are no windows and the artificial light paints Donghyuck even paler than he is. 

Mark might hate him, Donghyuck thinks. The thought comes out of nowhere but it sticks to the back of Donghyuck‘s mind like a chewing gum to the soles of your shoes and suddenly, that’s all Donghyuck can think about. 

He opens the bathroom cabinet and rows of orange bottles greet him. The labels are familiar, but Donghyuck wishes he were at home where stronger pills wait for him, pills that can make him forget how much he hates himself. 

Donghyuck pulls out the painkillers and shakes a few of the pretty white pills into his palm. The label says he should take one but Donghyuck swallows five. Another day, so much to do. So much pain to kill. 

His gaze falls on the razor blades Mark keeps next to his toothpaste. Donghyuck wills himself to close the cabinet. 

Hollow eyes stare back at him in the mirror. 

He opens the cabinet. 

Donghyuck could end his suffering, if he wanted. He could redeem the world from his existence, he could take one of those blades and cut up his arteries, painting Mark’s shabby bathroom floor red, staining the tiles with his blood. 

Without Donghyuck noticing, his hands have taken out one of the blades. 

He knows he’s not going to kill himself, because Donghyuck doesn’t have the guts to do so. What a pathetic failure, he thinks as he pushes the blade into his skin, deep enough to draw blood but not deep enough to end all this suffering. He can’t even do this right. 

Donghyuck watches blood running down his arm. He can barely feel the pain. Once more, he drags the blade over his skin before adding pressure. It sinks so easily into his arm, cutting the flesh like a hot knife cuts butter. 

Pathetic, he thinks and throws the blade in the trash. 

Donghyuck takes a shower and the water is cold, the pressure barely there and the soap burns on his freshly cut skin but the scent of Mark’s cheap apple shampoo makes it bearable. 

When he steps out of the bathroom, Mark has set the small table and smiles at him, a cup of hot tea in his hand. 

Donghyuck thinks he doesn’t deserve Mark, while he stabs burnt scrambled eggs with his fork. Mark has brought him home twice now, Mark has taken care of him without ever asking anything in return and Donghyuck wonders why. 

„You okay?“, Mark asks, eyeing him skeptical over the thin wired frame of his glasses. He looks soft and Donghyuck quickly lowers his gaze to his plate. 

„Of course“, he lies and sends Mark a hopefully reassuring smile. Donghyuck has gotten good at that but Mark doesn’t look like he’s buying it. „Seriously“, Donghyuck insists. „I’m just hungover“. 

„Okay“, Mark nods and turns back to his eggs. „Your brother called earlier“. 

Oh no, Donghyuck internally groans. If Mark talked to Jaehyun he must know what an unbelievable horrible person Donghyuck is. That is, if Mark didn’t already know after what happened yesterday. 

„So“, Donghyuck gulps and hopes he plays this cool. „What did he say?“

Mark shrugs. 

„Nothing much“, he says and eats another piece of eggs. How he can actually swallow this poor excuse of a breakfast is a mystery for Donghyuck. „He asked me to tell you to call him back“. 

Yeah, that’s not going to happen. Donghyuck is not ready for getting questioned about the mysterious boy who picked up his phone in addition to Jaehyun questioning his lifestyle. God, he sure hopes Jaehyun didn’t rattle him out to his father. 

„Sorry about answering your phone by the way“, Mark sheepishly apologizes. „I wasn’t really awake yet myself and thought it was mine“. 

„Don‘t worry about it“, Donghyuck mutters. Anxiety is bubbling in his stomach even though Donghyuck isn’t sure what has caused it. Is it because of Jaehyun calling? His father catching wind once again about Donghyuck‘s preferences? Mark? 

Donghyuck needs something. All his concerns are driving him crazy, the voices in his head screaming louder than usually and he can’t silence them. 

Why is Donghyuck such a mess? Why can’t he be more like Mark? Or like Jaehyun? 

But no, Donghyuck is the dark spot in everyone’s life, including his own and he keeps fucking himself over and over. Why would Mark hang out with such a loser like him? Does he even know Donghyuck is gay? 

Donghyuck thinks back to the day he brought his first boyfriend home, about the yelling from his father and the disappointed look on Jaehyun’s face. He thinks about his mother fainting, about the bruising of his cheeks and the stab in his heart that hurt worse than any of the beatings from his father ever could. 

Donghyuck feels tears picking in his eyes. Don’t cry. Boys don’t cry. 

Donghyuck stands up fast enough to send Mark’s chair falling to the floor. 

„I have to go home“, Donghyuck chokes out even though home is right here. In Mark’s shitty apartment with burnt eggs on his plate and Mark sitting on the table next to him. 

„What?“, Mark splutters, his eyes big with concern. „Haechan, are you sure you‘re okay?“

„Never been better“, Donghyuck says and grabs his phone and trousers. „See you around“. 

The door falls shut before Donghyuck can hear Mark’s reply. 

When Donghyuck reaches the grey streets, he allows the first tear to fall. 

⚜️

Donghyuck doesn‘t know how long he stands in front of Mark’s apartment complex and bawls his eyes out. He doesn’t know how he manages to call his driver’s number or how exactly he gets home after that. All Donghyuck knows is that he has been here before. All these moments will be lost in time, just like his tears in the rain. 

Mark will live on with his life, he will forget what Donghyuck‘s face looks like and what his voice sounds like when he tells Mark about all his favorite scenes from Zootopia. He will forget that Donghyuck has ever existed and Donghyuck tries to tell himself that it’s better like that. 

They arrive at the mansion, at the big, empty mansion and when Donghyuck calls for his mother he doesn’t receive an answer. Donghyuck sighs and walks into the wine cellar, taking a random bottle with him to his room. 

Donghyuck‘s bathroom is larger than Mark’s entire apartment and Donghyuck feels so small, so lonely. 

He takes out the bottle of happy pills and takes three, washing them down with the wine but it’s not enough. Donghyuk doesn‘t want to feel anymore, he just wants to be numb, at least for today. 

God, Donghyuck needs more. 

His steps carry him to his large desk and Donghyuck opens the lowest drawer where a little bag of white dust waits for him. 

No need to feel sad today, Donghyuck tells himself as he inhales the cocaine. 

He walks over to his bed, falling back into the pile of soft cushions that aren’t comfortable anymore because they aren’t Mark’s shitty mattress and lumpy pillows. 

Donghyuck closes his eyes and imagines he is a child again without all those blinding fears racing through his head. He thinks of warm summer days and playful sword fights with Jaehyun, of thick woods he explored with his grandmother and warm apple pie. Donghyuck feels himself getting carried away, floating above reality. 

Only when he opens his eyes, he realizes he is actually floating because at some point, his bed must have turned into water. 

Donghyuck yelps but a wave crashes over him and suddenly Donghyuck can’t see, can’t breath, can’t yell. 

A thought crosses his mind, one that tells him just to let go, to sink to the bottom of this ocean and never come back but Donghyuck‘s primal survival instincts force him to fight the thick water until he breaks the surface, until he can see the ceiling of his room again, until he shakily inhales stale air and the ocean spits him onto his carpet. 

An old, wrinkled hand reaches for Donghyuck and he grabs it, allowing himself to get pulled up to his feet. Donghyuck stares at the hand in his own. The hand is connected to a dainty wrist merging into a thin arm and Donghyuck lets his gaze wander until he looks at a face that looks so much younger than the bony face of the woman whose hand he held when she died in her bed. 

„Nana?“, he asks and his grandmother smiles a sad smile at him. 

„Hyuckie“, she says and her free hand cups his face. „What are you doing to yourself?“

The wine bottle Donghyuck hadn’t been aware he was still holding slips from his grasp and hits the floor with a dull thud. 

Hot tears are streaming down his face and he closes his eyes, focusing on his grandmother‘s warm hands. 

„I missed you“, Donghyuck whispers and holds her hand a little tighter, snuggles a bit deeper into her palm. 

„Oh Hyuckie“, his grandmother gently pats his cheek. „I miss you too“. 

Donghyuck sobs and tries to pull her closer so he can hug her but she doesn’t move and his feet are too heavy to lift. 

„Nana“, he chokes, willing the tears away that just keep coming. 

„Donghyuck“, this time she sounds more stern like she caught him with his tiny sticky hands in the cookie jar. „Donghyuck, I hate seeing you like this“. 

„I’m sorry“, Donghyuck cries and tries again to get closer to her but there seems to be a wall in between them, keeping him where he is standing too far from her. 

„It’s killing me to see you like this“, his grandmother says and then her grip becomes painfully tight, sharp nails digging into Donghyuck‘s skin. „You’re killing me“. 

„No!“, Donghyuck calls out, attempting to catch her when her legs give in and she sinks to the floor where Donghyuck‘s wine is coloring his carpet red, mixing with his grandmother’s blood. 

„Nana!“, Donghyuck screams, watching helplessly how her face starts to age, wrinkles deepening and bones becoming more prominent, the illness eating her up once again. 

A toilet flushes. 

„Lee Donghyuck!“, a cold voice calls and Donghyuck‘s gaze snaps up to see Jaehyun standing in the doorway of his bathroom. 

„Jaehyun“, Donghyuck gasps. „Help, grandma is dying!“

But when he looks back to where his grandmother was dying just seconds ago, all he can see is red stained carpet and a figure much smaller than his grandmother. Her face slowly merges and Donghyuck realizes in horror that it’s his own. 

„Donghyuck!“, Jaehyun sharply calls again and Donghyuck‘s gaze focuses. It’s just a mirror. Donghyuck is kneeling in front of his mirror. „Grandma has been dead for many years“. 

„Jaehyun“, Donghyuck searches for his brother‘s familiar kind eyes but when he finds them they’re cold. 

„Donghyuck, get yourself together“, Jaehyun says and with two large steps he is standing in front of Donghyuck, towering over his small frame. He reaches for Donghyuck but when Donghyuck takes his hands, they are cold as well. 

Maybe Jaehyun is finally fed up with his antics, maybe he has finally had enough. 

„You are a hopeless case, Donghyuck“, Jaehyun sighs and there is disappointment written all over his face. Donghyuck wants to cry again, but he can’t. 

„Sit straight!“, Jaehyun commands and Donghyuck instinctively straightens his back. „Don‘t cry!“

„No“, Donghyuck weakly protests. It’s not Jaehyun speaking. Jaehyun is moving his lips but it’s his father’s voice coming out. 

This can’t be real. Donghyuck must be dreaming. 

„Don‘t talk back!“, Jaehyun- not- Jaehyun shouts. „Lee Donghyuck, you are a disgrace to this family!“

„No!“, Donghyuck screams and covers his ears.  _ This isn’t Jaehyun _ , he tells himself.  _ It’s not Jaehyun, not Jaehyun, not Jaehyun! _

„Do as I say!“, Jaehyun yells and raises his hand. 

Donghyuck flinches back but it doesn’t matter because Jaehyun’s hand hits him anyways, straight across his face. But the familiar sting never follows. 

When Donghyuck opens his eyes this time, the room around him is dark. 

Donghyuck can feel his heart beating and for what could be hours or seconds, he just takes it all in. The cool sweat on his forehead. His shirt sticking to his skin. The soft carpet underneath him. The blurry view of his ceiling. 

Donghyuck reaches for his bottle but it’s empty. Red wine sticks to his hands. Donghyuck stumbles onto his feet, for a moment worried he’s going to black out until his arm touches the wall and he is able to steady himself. 

It must be early in the morning, gentle light falls past his curtains. Donghyuck has been out for almost a day but he still doesn’t feel sober. 

With shaking knees, he stumbles towards his desk. 

Another morning. Another line of cocaine. 

Donghyuck can feel how slowly his mind becomes more aware of the things around him. His mirror is broken and there is an ugly stain on his carpet but Donghyuck can’t feel bothered by that right now. 

Fractures of yesterday‘s events play in front of Donghyuck‘s inner eye like an ugly movie on replay. Mark. Jaehyun. The party. Or was the party real? 

Donghyuck shakes his head. He pockets the cocaine and stumbles down the stairs until he reaches the backdoor. 

A beautiful, thin layer of hoarfrost covers the perfectly groomed grass of their garden. A pretty morning, Donghyuck tells himself and wills the weird feeling of dread away. 

He fiddles with his necklace as he makes his way through the pristine cut garden. Just a nice walk on a nice morning. 

The trees have lost their leaves overnight. Someone has piled the fallen leaves in a corner and Donghyuck remembers how he used to jump into exactly these piles, how him and Jaehyun used to try and catch them in the stormy winds of autumn, how him and his grandmother would collect the most beautiful ones and press them in the thick books of their library. 

His grandmother also used to make pretty crowns out of the leaves. Many years ago, long before she fell ill, she taught Haechan how to do it. 

Donghyuck sinks down on the ground, ignoring the frost under his knees and gathers a few leaves as he recalls the steps. 

Trim the stem, fold a third of the leaf behind itself. Take the second leaf and gently poke the stem through the folded one. 

Donghyuck‘s hands are shaking. He misses the leaf on his first try and when he manages to poke a hole through it, the stem of his second leaf breaks. 

This used to be easier when he was a kid, Donghyuck thinks. 

He tries again but this time, his leaf gets ripped in two pieces. Donghyuck‘s hands are shaking too badly to do anything properly with them and Donghyuck slowly gets impatient. 

His grandmother used to make it seem so easy. 

He takes another leaf, gently folding it and pokes the stem of the other leaf through it. 

Yes, Donghyuck thinks and bites his lips to hide his pleased grin. He can still do it, he hasn’t forgotten about those memories so dear to him yet. 

Then the leaf slips out of the first one and Donghyuck watches how a soft breeze carries it away, across their rose garden into the world behind the fence. 

A scream ripples through the peaceful morning air and it takes Donghyuck a moment to realize that it’s coming from him. He furiously throws the remaining leaf in his hand to the floor and stomps on it before he kicks the pile in front of him but even that fails to relief his anger. 

His hand catches the pendant of his necklace and Donghyuck grips it tightly, afraid that time is going to take it from him like it takes all those memories. 

Something scary rises inside of him. It makes his heart beat faster and sends shivers down his spine. Suddenly the autumn wind feels like a monster breathing into his neck and before Donghyuck can think about it, he is running. 

He runs, until his lungs are burning, until his legs feel like giving up and his vision starts to blur but he can’t escape the panic in his head that tells him he still hasn’t run far enough. 

Something catches Donghyuck‘s ankle and he collides with the ground. His palms and knees hurt but Donghyuck is back on his feet in a second, ready to keep running until he collapses. 

It’s only then that he realizes where he is. The gravestones of their family cemetery stick out of the soft moss like the teeth of a gigant. Donghyuck must have stumbled over one of them in his haste. 

Slowly, Donghyuck walks along the stones that bear the names of his ancestors, some of them so old that he can barely read the inscriptions anymore. Nature has taken back the oldest of them; grass and trees and moss have grown over the gravestones. 

Donghyuck is going to lay in this soil one day. Another grey stone will be added, one with sharper edges and a polished surface. It is going to bear his name, the last memory of him kept right here between the rest of his family, until years upon years are going to work up the surface of his stone until it’s as rough as the ones Donghyuck is touching right now. Slowly, his name is going to vanish, until everything that’s left of him is a soft bump on the ground. 

When Donghyuck stumbles this time, he welcomes his fall. 

Maybe, he thinks as he breathes in the scent of the wet moss, if he stays still long enough, he will become one with the ground. Maybe he will be able to feel the moss growing over him until it swallows him like the gravestones at the end of the cemetery. 

Donghyuck turns his head and when he lazily blinks, his eyes catch the sight of an undamaged gravestone. 

It’s his grandmother‘s. Pretty purple asters are blooming underneath her name. Donghyuck planted them there himself, two years ago when the stone had been even more flawless. 

He crawls over to the grave, barely able to contain the sobs that shake his whole body. Don’t cry, a voice in the back of his mind reminds him. Don’t cry. 

But Donghyuck can feel hot tears running down his cheeks. 

He buries his face in his hands and allows himself to cry. 

With the tears come the memories. There is his grandmother, singing with him in front of the fireplace while Jaehyun sits on the floor and draws. There is his grandmother, sitting on the edge of his bed, telling him stories until Donghyuck‘s eyes grow too heavy for him to keep them open. There is his grandmother, baking, reading, swimming, dancing, laughing… living. 

Donghyuck sobs. 

He remembers holding her hand. 

Only when there are no more tears to cry, Donghyuck slowly lovers his hands. 

That’s when he sees it. 

Blood. 

There is blood on his hands. 

_ „Donghyuck, you‘re killing me“ _

Donghyuck screams. 

There is blood on his hands, blood in his mouth, blood running hot over his skin. The wind picks up and Donghyuck shivers, he‘s cold and he’s alone and freezing. 

_ „You’re killing me“ _

Donghyuck presses his hands on his ears but the voice in his head is louder, screaming at him and drowning out all other thoughts. 

There is blood spilling on his screen when Donghyuck pulls out his phone and searches for his brother‘s number. 

Jaehyun is going to know what to do, Jaehyun is going to help him. 

With shaking hands he presses on the green symbol. 

Then he waits. 

And waits. 

And waits. 

Jaehyun is not picking up, he realizes. Jaehyun has left him alone. 

And maybe, Donghyuck thinks, that’s what he deserves. It’s what he gets for being such a useless, pathetic asshole. Jaehyun has finally realized that Donghyuck doesn’t even deserve to be called his brother and maybe this is it. 

Maybe Donghyuck doesn’t need a gravestone for the world to forget about him. Donghyuck can‘t even be mad, this should have happened years ago but Donghyuck never imagined he would see the day when Jaehyun leaves him. 

It’s okay, he tells himself. Jaehyun deserves better. 

There is still blood running down his face but Donghyuck feels weirdly at ease. At least he can’t hurt Jaehyun anymore. At least Jaehyun is safe, safe from Donghyuck. 

Because Donghyuck is ruin and depreavement. He is misfortune and death. It’s better like that. 

At least Jaehyun won’t have to suffer like his grandmother. At least Jaehyun will be free. 

Donghyuck‘s vision gets blurry and nausea wells up inside of him. There is no one to hear him call for help. There is no one here to save him. 

Now Donghyuck is truly alone. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone!  
> I am back again with another chapter. I originally planned about 25 000 words and five chapters for this story but it seems like it’s going to be a little longer :)  
> I hope you enjoyed this update, I am currently super motivated to write but exams are approaching so I‘m currently really busy with university stuff. I try to update as soon as possible though.   
> Have a great day and stay safe!  
> ~ Saphirsilber 
> 
> Find me on Twitter (@saphirilber) and tumblr (justmiasthoughts)


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